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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think that individuals who make a lot of money are most successful. Other think that those who contribute to society like teachers and scientists are most successful. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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A
lot
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 of
people
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 believe that individuals who earn a
lot
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 are the successful ones. And for some
people
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 who contribute a
lot
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 to the economy, having titles is the real success.
This
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 is quite subjective, but in
this
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 essay, I’ll tackle the differences and my own view.
To begin
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 with,
people
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 who earn a
lot
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 tend to believe they’re on top.
For instance
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, the founder of social media, Mark Zuckerberg, created his own business and earned a
lot
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 from it after a few years.
Also
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, he provided an opportunity for other
people
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 to work with him.
Therefore
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, he is already contributing to the economy and to others, where he can pay taxes too. These types of
people
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 are into business, and they are business-minded.
In addition
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 to that, they can create a foundation and charities for
people
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 who need it the most.
On the other hand
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,
people
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 whose occupations are teachers, nurses, scientists, and so on are successful too, in the eyes of others. Even though they don’t earn high-paying jobs, they still dedicate their lives to helping
people
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 without hesitation. They’re doing it not for money but for their own passion and dreams.
For example
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, most scientists are not funded properly for their research, but they still want to do it. Their contribution to society is one of the most important ones, especially in
this
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 technological era.
To conclude
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, it’s subjective because everyone has a different point of view, and both sides have their own way of contributing to society.
However
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, for me, the real successful ones are the
people
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 who give their all into their dreams,
as well as
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 helping others.

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task response
For task response, you answer both views and give your opinion, so this is good. But your opinion is a bit broad at the end. Make it more direct and keep it clear from the start.
task response
For task response, some ideas are good but not fully developed. Add one more clear reason for each side and explain it a little more.
task response
For task response, your examples are relevant, but some are too general. Use more exact and clear examples to make your points stronger.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, your essay has a clear basic structure: intro, two body parts, and conclusion. This helps the reader follow your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, some linking is simple and repeats, like 'also' and 'for example'. Try to vary linking words and make the flow smoother.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, a few sentences are not fully clear or connect weakly to the main point. Make sure each sentence directly supports the topic of the paragraph.
task response
You discuss both sides of the topic, not only one side.
task response
You give your own opinion in the conclusion.
task response
You use a real example about Mark Zuckerberg, which helps support your idea.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a full shape with an opening, body paragraphs, and an ending.
coherence and cohesion
Each body paragraph mostly stays on one main idea.
coherence and cohesion
The order of ideas is easy to follow most of the time.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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