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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that individuals who make a lot of money are most successful. Other think that those who contribute to society like teachers and scientists are most successful. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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A
lot
Use synonyms
 of
people
Use synonyms
 believe that individuals who earn a
lot
Use synonyms
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 the successful ones. And for some
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 who contribute a
lot
Use synonyms
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the economy
having
Punctuation problem
, having
show examples
 titles
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 the real
successful
Replace the word
success
.
This
Linking Words
 is quite subjective, but in
this
Linking Words
essay
Add a comma
essay,
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 I’ll tackle the differences and my own view.
To begin
Linking Words
 with,
people
Use synonyms
 who earn a
lot
Use synonyms
 tend to believe they’re on top.
For instance
Linking Words
, the founder of social media, Mark Zuckerberg he created his own business and
earn
Wrong verb form
earned
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 a
lot
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 from it after
few
Correct article usage
a few
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 years.
Also
Linking Words
, he provided an opportunity for other
people
Use synonyms
 to work
from
Change preposition
with
show examples
 him.
Therefore
Linking Words
, he
already
Verb problem
is already
show examples
 contributing to the economy and to others,
were
Use the right word
where
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 he can pay taxes too. These
type
Fix the agreement mistake
types
show examples
 of
people
Use synonyms
 are into business
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 they are
business minded
Correct your spelling
business-minded
.
In addition
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 to that, they can create a foundation and charities for
people
Use synonyms
 who
needed
Wrong verb form
need
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 the most.
On the other hand
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,
people
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 whose occupations are teachers,
nurse
Fix the agreement mistake
nurses
show examples
, scientists and so on are successful too,
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the eyes of others. Even though they don’t earn a high paying
jobs
Punctuation problem
jobs,
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 they still dedicate their lives
,
Change preposition
to
show examples
 helping
people
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 without hesitation. They’re doing it not for money but for their own passion and dreams.
For example
Linking Words
,
the scientist most of them
Correct word order
most scientists
show examples
 are not funded
right
Rephrase
apply
show examples
for their research, but they still want to do it. Their contribution to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society is one of the important
one
Fix the agreement mistake
ones,
show examples
 especially in
this
Linking Words
 technology era.
To conclude
Linking Words
, it’s subjective because everyone
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 a different point of view and both
side
Fix the agreement mistake
sides
show examples
 have their own way
how
Change preposition
of contributing
show examples
 to contribute in the society.
However
Linking Words
, for
me
Add a comma
me,
show examples
 the real successful
one
Fix the agreement mistake
ones
show examples
 are the
people
Use synonyms
 who give their all into their dreams
as
Punctuation problem
, as
show examples
 well
helping
Correct word choice
as helping
show examples
 others.

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task response
Answer both sides more fully. Say more about why money means success and why social help means success.
task response
Make your opinion very clear in the body, not only in the end.
task response
Use more exact examples. One strong example is better than many short general ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Put ideas in a clearer order. Start each body part with one main point, then explain it, then give an example.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words well, but do not use too many. Words like first, for example, on the other hand, and in short can help.
coherence and cohesion
Check how each sentence connects to the next one. Some parts now jump too fast.
task response
You answered both views and gave your own opinion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two body parts, and a conclusion.
task response
You used examples to support your ideas.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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