IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people think that cultural traditions are destroyed when they are used as money-making attractions aimed at tourists. Others believe that this is the only way to save such traditions in the world today. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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Some individuals believe that commercializing cultural
traditions
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due to
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 profit will tarnish the authenticity and cultural significance of these
traditions
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,
while
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 others argue that making money from these
traditions
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 is necessary for their survival. In
this
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 essay, I am going to discuss both viewpoints àn give my personal opinion.
To begin
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 with, many people believe that when
traditions
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 are adjusted to cater to tourists, they may need to undergo changes that compromise their uniqueness and cultural value.
Due to
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 attracting tourists, many cultural sites may face some negative challenges and lose their natural, authentic beauty.
As a consequence
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, not only lose the nation's identity but
also
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 spend a lot of money in order to
reconstruct
Correct pronoun usage
reconstruct it
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.
Moreover
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, the overexploitation of historical and cultural relics can cause irreparable damage, diminishing their value.
For example
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, ancient temples are eroded by excessive tourist numbers, or traditional rituals are distorted to serve commercial purposes.
On the other hand
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, commercialization
also
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 brings some benefits. Revenue from cultural tourism can be invested in the preservation and restoration of
heritage
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, funding research and cultural promotion activities. The transformation from cultural
traditions
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 to attractive tourist products can attract public interest and raise awareness of the value of cultural
heritage
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.
In addition
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, commercialization creates job opportunities and stimulates local economic development.
For instance
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, Ha Long Bay which is a famous cultural
heritage
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 in Vietnam,
attract
Correct subject-verb agreement
attracts
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 numerous
millions
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millions of
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 visitors each year, meanwhile
create
Wrong verb form
creating
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 a lot of jobs for local citizens. In conclusion, the using of traditional culture including intangible cultural
heritage
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 and tangible cultural
heritage
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 has both benefits and drawbacks.
Therefore
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, the government needs to have a solution to develop appropriate policies that balance economic benefits and cultural preservation is essential to ensure the development of cultural
heritage
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.

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task achievement
Your essay addresses both viewpoints and provides a personal opinion, which is good. However, adding a few more specific and varied examples would strengthen your arguments and demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that your introduction clearly states the two contrasting viewpoints. This way, the reader can easily understand the scope of your discussion from the very beginning.
coherence cohesion
Work on developing a clearer and more logical progression between paragraphs. Use more transitional phrases to link your ideas smoothly.
coherence cohesion
Your essay includes both an introduction and a conclusion, which is essential for structure.
task achievement
You have provided relevant arguments and points to support both views, giving your essay a balanced perspective.
task achievement
You included an example to illustrate your point, which helps to clarify your argument.
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