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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience.

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Students
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 are undered the pressure because of their academic semester. Others state that physical and bakery subjects should be eliminated from their classes so that the youth can focus on their studies.
This
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 essay will demonstrate that doing physical education and cookery will help young learners
study
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 better, live healthier, and find their dream job after traditional classes. First of all, when doing physical education at school, student can develop not only knowledge in their mind, but
also
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 build persistence from
exercise
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 activities.
For example
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, when a school create a running class at school,
students
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 have to practice to run better.
Moreover
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, the more
children
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 run, the better persistence is built.
As a result
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, the youth will be trained to
study
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 better by keeping good habits.
Secondly
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, learners will feel relaxed after studying hard.
For instance
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, there are many subjects which make
students
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 feel overwheel, doing some physical activities will help
students
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 feel refesh their mind after.
Therefore
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,
children
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's brains can be pushed by dopamine from doing
exercise
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, and they will love to
study
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 more
,
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 live healthier.
Last
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 but not least, doing
exercise
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 and cooking are big hobbies of many
children
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. If they love to cook all the time, they may be potential to become a chef in the future. In conclusion, having
exercise
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 and bakery classes brings
students
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 a lot of benefits. Young learners will get good results by balancing
study
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 and life.
In addition
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,
children
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 can achieve well-being after physical education, and they will know what they want to become in the future.

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task response
Answer the question more clearly. Say from the start that you disagree, and keep this idea clear in all parts.
task response
Add one more clear idea about why these subjects should stay in school. This will make your answer more full.
task response
Use more direct examples. Your examples are simple, but they need more detail to feel real and strong.
coherence and cohesion
Put your ideas in a clearer order. Some lines are hard to follow because the meaning changes too fast.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care, like First, Second, For example, and As a result. This will help the reader move through your essay.
coherence and cohesion
Make each body paragraph focus on one main point only. This will make your writing easier to read.
coherence and cohesion
You have a clear introduction and a clear ending.
task response
Your essay gives more than one reason for your view.
task response
You try to use examples to support your ideas.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • pressure
  • succeed
  • academically
  • non-academic
  • physical education
  • cookery
  • school syllabus
  • concentrate
  • academic work
  • well-rounded
  • enhancement
  • practical skills
  • balanced education system
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