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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Is it a positive or negative trend?

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In recent years, the widespread
use
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 of
smartphones
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 has become a defining feature of childhood. An increasing number of
children
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 spend several hours each day on these devices, raising concerns about their
overall
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development
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.
This
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 essay will examine the reasons behind
this
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 phenomenon and argue that, despite certain benefits, it is largely a negative trend. One primary reason for excessive smartphone
use
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 among
children
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 is inadequate parental supervision. In many households, digital devices are used as a convenient means of keeping
children
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 occupied, allowing parents to focus on work or other responsibilities.
As a result
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,
children
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 are frequently exposed to highly engaging content on platforms
such
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 as YouTube and TikTok, which are specifically designed to capture and retain users’ attention. Over time,
this
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 repeated exposure fosters dependency, making it difficult for
children
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 to disengage from their screens. Another contributing factor is the decline in opportunities for outdoor activities. Rapid urbanisation has led to a reduction in safe and accessible recreational spaces,
such
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 as parks and playgrounds.
Consequently
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,
children
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 are less inclined to participate in physical activities and
instead
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 turn to
smartphones
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 as their primary source of entertainment.
This
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 shift not only limits their physical movement but
also
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 reduces opportunities for social interaction and the
development
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 of interpersonal skills. Admittedly,
smartphones
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 can offer certain advantages. They provide access to a vast range of educational resources, interactive learning applications, and opportunities for cognitive
development
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.
For instance
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,
children
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 can improve their language skills, explore new concepts, and even attend virtual classes through digital platforms.
However
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, these benefits are often outweighed by the detrimental effects of excessive usage, particularly when screen time is neither monitored nor regulated. Prolonged smartphone
use
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 can have serious consequences for
children
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’s physical and mental well-being. It is associated with sedentary lifestyles, which may lead to obesity and related health issues.
Furthermore
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, excessive screen exposure has been linked to reduced attention spans, sleep disturbances, and increased levels of anxiety. Given these risks, the growing dependence on
smartphones
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 among
children
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 should be regarded as a negative
development
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. In conclusion,
while
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smartphones
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 can serve as valuable educational tools, their excessive
use
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 among
children
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 is primarily driven by parental negligence and limited access to outdoor activities. Ultimately, the harmful effects on health and
development
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 far outweigh the potential benefits, making
this
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 a largely negative trend that requires careful management.

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task response
For task response, add one more real example to make your ideas stronger.
task response
For task response, you can explain a little more why phone use is bad for social skill.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, your links are clear, but you can use a few simpler link words too.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, one body part could be a bit shorter to keep the balance of the essay.
task response
You answer both questions clearly and fully.
task response
Your main ideas are clear and easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction, body, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Each paragraph has one main idea and good support.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • screen time
  • digital devices
  • smartphone addiction
  • online interactions
  • developmental impact
  • physical health
  • mental well-being
  • academic performance
  • parental supervision
  • proliferation of apps
  • engaging content
  • excessive use
  • sedentary lifestyle
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