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Writing Samples
Band 6

Many children today suffer from obesity and health problems. This is a serious problem which is only getting worse. Give the reasons why many children are overweight and give solutions to solve this problem.

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The world is very different today , and that includes eating habits. Many
children
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 go through serious
health
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 issues. It is a real concern , and it is continuing to get worse.
This
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 essay will give reasons why many
children
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 are overweight and provide solutions to solve
this
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 problem. Many
children
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 are overweight for several reasons.
First,
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junk food. It is really delicious , which makes
kids
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 eat it more often.
For example
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,
kids
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 prefer candy and chocolate
instead
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 of fruits.
Next
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,
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apply
show examples
 is the lack of physical activities.
Children
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 these days like to sit and relax almost all the
time
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,
instead
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 of playing sports.
Also
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, playing on the computer or iPad is more fun for them than doing exercise.
Lastly
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, there is the enormous amount of screen
time
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 .
Kids
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 spend so much
time
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 on their phones and iPads , which leads to laziness and bad
health
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. Plus, spending all these hours watching a screen could lead to eye damage on top of many other
health
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 issues.
Although
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 it is a very common problem, it is , in fact, really easy to solve. In the beginning , exercising more often and playing sports will help with
children
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’s weight.
For example
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, trying out new sports every month would help keep the
kids
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 fit and entertained.
Second,
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eating healthy. Cutting down on junk food is going to help so much with
kids
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' weight and
health
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. So
instead
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 of eating candy ,
kids
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 can try eating fruits. Plus, fruits are healthier and more delicious.
At the end
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, parents can lessen their
kids
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’ screen
time
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.
For example
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,
instead
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 of being on the phone, they should only spend two hours every evening.
Also
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, there are many activities other than mobiles or iPads,
such
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 as puzzles and board games. In conclusion, it is clear to see that
kids
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' eating habits are causing them to get overweight and unhealthy. On the bright side, the solutions to
this
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 problem are really easy .

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task response
For task response, you answer both parts of the task: reasons and solutions. This is good. To get a higher score, explain each idea more deeply and make some points more exact.
task response
For task response, some examples are clear, but they are a bit simple. Add more real and exact support to make your ideas stronger.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, your essay has a clear start, body, and end. This helps the reader follow your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, some linking words are used well, like First, Second, Lastly, and In conclusion. But some are too common or repeated. Try to use a wider range and make the flow more natural.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are not joined very smoothly. Try to connect ideas in a more direct way and avoid very short point-by-point style in some parts.
task response
You clearly talk about why children are overweight and how to solve the problem.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has both an introduction and a conclusion, which is good for clear organization.
coherence and cohesion
The ideas are easy to understand and mostly stay on the topic.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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