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Band 7

These days, we are seeing an increasing amount of violence on television, and this is having a negative impact on children’s behaviour. Do you agree or disagree?

#amount #violence #television #impact #children’s #behaviour
There is no denying the fact that television
programs
 provide a murderousness
while
 it may increase our children's love to kill.
While
 it is a commonly held belief that our kid's attitudes could change because of violent
programs
, there is
also
 an argument that opposes it. In my opinion, I consider that it is true to change our children's attitudes.
To begin
 with, in recent years many
programs
 have given our generation bad shows.
In other words
, it really changes their mindset and makes them want to kill or punch anyone they see.
In addition
,
kids
 still do not know the difference between good and bad.
For example
, in the
last
 10 years , we can see that the
kids
 want to punch anyone because
this
 is caused by a lack of understanding and empathy. Parents and educators should work together to teach children how to express their emotions without resorting to
violence
. Another point to consider, educators should reduce the amount of
violence
. It is
also
 possible to say that, many
kids
 can not take all of the
violence
 in the show, it could cause them complex emotions.
Moreover
, it is really scary as long as the
kids
 will treat
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
others like what they see in the TV
programs
.
For instance
, imagine a kid punching other boys because he wants to be like the character in the TV program he saw, and the boy gets hurt for no reason
this
 will cause problems for both families. In conclusion, despite people having different views, I believe that educators should reduce the amount of
violence
 because the
kids
 can not stand it.
Submitted by dimash.shaitmahmet on

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task achievement
Strengthen the argument with more specific examples or data to provide stronger support for your points.
task achievement
Clarify unclear terms and expressions to ensure the reader understands your points (e.g., 'provide a murderousness').
coherence cohesion
Improve logical structure by more clearly linking ideas between paragraphs and sentences.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that main points are fully developed with explanations and examples related to the topic.
coherence cohesion
The essay contains a clear introduction and conclusion, aligning with the topic.
task achievement
Identified and explored multiple perspectives on the issue.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • exposure
  • influence
  • desensitization
  • imitate
  • parental guidance
  • education
  • mitigate
  • negative impact
  • affected
  • violent content
  • behavior
  • factors
What to do next:
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