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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

In some countries people encourage teenagers to find part time jobs. Some people agree and others don't. Review both sides and give your opinion.

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Most students
work
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part
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time
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 jobs in korea. There have many reasons why their parents encourage
teenagers
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 find
part
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time
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. I
also
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 experienced it, when I was in high school.
However
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, some of families did not. In my view,
teenagers
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 should find the
part
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time
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 jobs.
Firstly
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, it gives students a
sense
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 of independence.
For example
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, my friend
work
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 in restaurant when she lives alone. She works the
job
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 because she does not have enough money to pay the rent fees and she does not want to tell her family.
Secondly
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, family recommend their son or dather to do.
For example
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, my mom encourage me to do short
time
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job
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. First
time
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, I do not want to do but my mom say it will the good
experience
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 before you enter the social community. After I hear the advice I
work
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 in small shop.
Lastly
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, You develop a
sense
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 of economics.
For example
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, you know how to earn money very hard you will think about product is really I need or want again.
On the other hand
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, students do not focus their study.
For instance
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, if student knows to earn money, they will
work
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instead
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 of studying
time
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.
Next,
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a lot of
experience
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 make student not do
job
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 well.
For instance
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, lot of
experience
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 can make various views to
teenagers
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, but you can not master professional skills during short
time
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. In conclusion, starting the
part
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time
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job
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 develop a
sense
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 of independence, useful
experience
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, and a
sense
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 of economics. I believe when
teenagers
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work
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, they can get more adventage than disadventage.

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task response
Answer both sides more fully. You say why part-time jobs are good, but the other side is short.
task response
Give a clearer opinion early and keep it clear in all body parts.
task response
Add more clear support for each main idea. Some examples are good, but some need more detail.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer topic sentences at the start of each body part.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words like first, also, however, and because.
coherence and cohesion
Make each paragraph stay on one main idea. Some parts mix family advice, money, and work experience together.
task response
You answer the topic and give your opinion.
task response
You include both sides of the topic.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use examples from life to support ideas.
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