IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

The shift from buying in shops to buying online is causing a range of problems in society. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement ?

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In recent years, the issue regarding the shift from in-store purchases to obtaining goods via the Internet,
as well as
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 its influence on society, has become increasingly controversial.
This
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 essay advocates the view that
this
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 transformation has a detrimental impact on communities.
This
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 position is primarily based on the suffering of local businesses and the weakening of social interactions. The primary justification for
this
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 position is that small-scale commercial establishments are facing increasing challenges
due to
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 an inadequate number of customers.
This
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 is largely attributable to the fact that the majority of these enterprises do not offer online services.
As a result
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, employees are subjected to shortages, which lead to detrimental effects on local economies. A clear example of
this
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 can already be observed in France, where 21% of local stores experience a significant decrease in revenue.
Therefore
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, it is evident that small-scale businesses require constant customer purchases just to survive. Another contributing factor is a decrease in communication between individuals.
While
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 purchasing goods from a store, you unwillingly have to communicate with assistants and cashiers. Even though
this
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 is thought to be a minor amount of contact,
according to
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 recent research published in Japan, a decrease in communicational abilities was marked across society after online shopping had become widespread. Taken together, these factors indicate that offline shopping plays a vital role in shaping the national economy
as well as
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 assisting individuals in developing their
communicational
Replace the word
communication
 skills. Taking everything into account, being strongly negative about online shopping appears to be the most reasonable position.
This
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 view is supported primarily by the fact that offline shopping plays a crucial role in developing countries' economies,
while
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 supporting communities by providing a method of connection.

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task response
For task response, your answer is clear, but you should say more about the other side. A short point about why online shopping is good would make your position stronger.
task response
For task response, some ideas are a bit too general. Try to explain more how job loss happens and how less face-to-face talk can affect daily life.
task response
For task response, your examples help, but they need to feel more exact and natural. Make sure each example clearly supports the main point.
coherence cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, your essay is easy to follow, with a clear start, body, and end. To get a higher score, make links between ideas more smooth, not only with simple linking words.
coherence cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, some sentences sound a little forced or not fully natural. Keep one main idea in each sentence and connect it step by step.
coherence cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, your second body paragraph is relevant, but the final sentence is a bit broad. Make sure the end of each paragraph directly matches the paragraph topic.
task response
For task response, you answer the question and give a clear opinion from the start.
task response
For task response, your two main ideas are relevant and easy to understand.
coherence cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, the essay has a clear introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, you use linking words like 'as a result' and 'therefore' to show the flow of ideas.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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