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Writing Samples
Band 6

Many children today are overweight and unhealthy. This is a serious problem. Give the reasons for this and give some solutions to fix this problem.

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The world has changed a great deal from the past. The overweight and unhealthy lifestyle negatively impacts many
children
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.
This
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 is a serious problem today.
This
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 essay will explain the
reasons
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 and
give
Verb problem
provide
show examples
 solutions to solve
this
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 issue. On the one hand, there are many
reasons
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 why
children
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 are becoming overweight nowadays. One of the main
reasons
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 for obesity is technology. Many
children
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 spend long hours using smartphones and computers.
In addition
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, they play video games every day.
This
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 reduces their physical activity.
This
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 leasds into the second reason, which is
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of exercise.
As a result
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, they do not burn enough calories.
For example
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, many
children
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 prefer to stay home on the computer.
Finally
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, fast
food
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 is a diet many
children
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 prefer.
This
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food
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 is unhealthy and results in weight gain.
Also
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,
children
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 consume a great deal of soda, which is high in sugar.
However
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,
on the other hand
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, there are many solutions for
this
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 problem. First,
children
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 should manage their time.
For example
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, they can spend less time using technology and video games.
As a result
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, they will have more time for other activities.
Second,
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children
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 should be involved in physical activities.
Moreover
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, an excellent idea is playing sports. The exercise will reduce calories and build a healthy life.
Finally
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, a proper diet is necessary for
children
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.
Also
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, parental guidance is important to advise their
children
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 to avoid fast
food
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. Parents should restrict the amount of sugar, sweets and junk
food
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 that they eat. Fruits and vegetables should become a regular part of any child's diet. In conclusion, it is clear to see that there are many different
reasons
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 responsible for the child obesity problem .
However
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, it must be known that it
also
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 has many serious solutions to address
this
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 issue

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coherence cohesion
Make your main idea more clear at the start of each body part.
coherence cohesion
Use fewer repeated link words like 'also' and 'for example'.
task achievement
Add one more clear example for the solutions part.
task achievement
Explain how each solution can help the problem in a more direct way.
coherence cohesion
Check small word errors like 'leasds' and spacing.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear opening, two body parts, and a closing.
task achievement
You answer both parts of the question: reasons and solutions.
coherence cohesion
Your ideas are easy to follow most of the time.
task achievement
You use relevant ideas like screen time, fast food, exercise, and parents.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • behave
  • better
  • punished
  • rewarded
  • believe
  • effective
  • arguing
  • immediately
  • unwanted
  • fear
  • pain
  • good
  • actions
  • praise
  • treated
  • learn
  • positive
  • feedback
  • happy
  • feel
  • repeat
  • future
  • create
  • problems
  • rather
  • learn
  • wrong
  • caught
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