IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many governments think that economic progress is their most important goal. Some people, however, think that other types of progress are equally important for a country. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. Part 2 Answer

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Some
people
Use synonyms
 think that other types of developments are as important as economic
progress
Use synonyms
.
Linking Words
However
Add a comma
However,
show examples
 I agree
to
Change preposition
with
show examples
 many governments'
opinion
Fix the agreement mistake
opinions
show examples
, because I think that economic
progress
Use synonyms
 serves as the foundation for national
development
Use synonyms
. On the one hand,
people
Use synonyms
 insist that governments need to not only focus on economic
development
Use synonyms
 but
also
Linking Words
 concentrate on other types of
progress
Use synonyms
. National infrastructure
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as hospitals and
schools
Punctuation problem
schools,
show examples
 helps
people
Use synonyms
 to study and get healthy, which
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
enables
show examples
people
Use synonyms
can
Wrong verb form
to
show examples
 work harder and
it can
Verb problem
helps
show examples
 develop the
country
Use synonyms
's
economy
Use synonyms
.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, only concentrating on economic
progress
Use synonyms
 can actually make
Use synonyms
country
Correct article usage
a country
show examples
 poor. Even
we
Correct word choice
though we
show examples
 don't have
policy
Correct article usage
a policy
show examples
 of labour,
people
Use synonyms
 can be hard at
working
Replace the word
work
, which increases the rate of unemployment
that
Correct pronoun usage
, which
show examples
 can lead to economic downturn.
For example
Linking Words
, Argentina does not have principles about labour time, so
people
Use synonyms
 became nad at their
country
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 and decided to stop working for the
country
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.
As a
Linking Words
result
Add a comma
result,
show examples
 the
economy
Use synonyms
 of Argentina got downturned in 2019.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, I think that economic
progress
Use synonyms
 is essential for a
country
Use synonyms
 because it is
base of the
Correct word order
the basis of the country's
show examples
country
Use synonyms
development
Use synonyms
. With economic
evelopment
Correct your spelling
development
, we can make a lot of facilities and national infrastructures for
people
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, which help poor
people
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 and unemployed
people
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.
In addition
Linking Words
, we can help unemployed
people
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 by making national infrastructures and
recruit
Wrong verb form
recruiting
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 who
disabled
Verb problem
are disabled
show examples
 or poor in the
country
Use synonyms
.
As a result
Linking Words
, the rate of
umemployment
Correct your spelling
unemployment
 will decrease, which makes
Use synonyms
country
Correct article usage
the country
show examples
stonger
Correct your spelling
stronger
 and wealthier.
For example
Linking Words
, Korea has developed
for
Change preposition
over the
show examples
last
Linking Words
 70 years after
Korea
Correct word choice
the Korean
show examples
 War in 1950. There was nothing in the
country
Use synonyms
but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
Linking Words
firstly
Punctuation problem
firstly,
show examples
 we developed the
economy
Use synonyms
 by working in another
country
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.
As a result
Linking Words
, Korea became a wealthy
country
Use synonyms
through
Change preposition
throughout
show examples
 the world. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 progressing other parts equally is important, it is
neccesary
Correct your spelling
necessary
 to develop
Use synonyms
economy
Correct article usage
the economy
show examples
 for a
country
Use synonyms
 because economic
progress
Use synonyms
 serves as the foundation for national
development
Use synonyms
.

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task response
Answer both sides more evenly. You talk more about your view, so the other side needs a bit more detail.
task response
Make your main ideas clearer in each body paragraph. Start with one clear point, then explain it, then give one example.
task response
Use examples that are more exact and easy to trust. Some examples now are not fully clear.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two body parts, and an end. This is good, but some links between ideas are weak.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence order and grammar because some parts are hard to follow. This makes your ideas less easy to understand.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a more careful way. Words like 'however', 'furthermore', and 'as a result' should match the idea exactly.
task response
You answer both views and give your own opinion clearly.
coherence and cohesion
You have both an introduction and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay follows a simple and easy paragraph plan.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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