Government spends a lot of money on education. More money should be spent on free time activities. To what extent do agree or disagree?

Currently, people have different views as to whether
countries
should spend a lot of
money
on
education
rather than free time activities. Despite the fact that expenditure on people's hobbies can resolve many problems in society, I believe that spending
money
regarding
Change preposition
on
show examples
academia is the most sustainable development in all
countries
. On the one hand, many activities are used to maintain the mental health of humans.
This
is
due to
the fact that stress from their work is the major cause of mental disorders and sometimes hobbies can help with
this
issue.
For instance
, exercising, playing sports, watching movies, using social media and
traveling
Change the spelling
travelling
show examples
.
As a result
, spending
money
on free time activities will be important, but it is limited to a specific person.
On the other hand
, paying a lot of
money
to
education
can develop society to become more civilized in the long term.
This
is because
money
will create human resources in the best way.
In addition
, spending
money
on
education
is the benefit of children.
This
is
due to
the fact that in the future,
society
Correct article usage
the society
show examples
of the world will become older and the elderly cannot make income for their
countries
, so young people will drive the economic system.
For example
, governments should be investing in studying new innovations, giving scholarships to students, researching new technology and providing significance to trends of the world.
Therefore
, nowadays, the expenditure on
education
is the most significant. In conclusion, in my opinion, I agree that spending
money
on academia will provide the most sustainable development and make income for all
countries
in the long term.
Submitted by name79sinlapa on

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Clarity & Specification
Ensure to further refine the clarity of your arguments by providing even more specific examples and elaborating on how education directly impacts sustainable development and the economy.
Linking & Cohesion
Consider introducing a wider range of linking phrases to enhance the flow and coherence between ideas.
Balance & Detail
Balance the discussion between your main points by allocating similar levels of detail and development to both sides of the argument, even if you have a strong preference for one.
Structure
You've maintained a clear structure throughout, with a defined introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, effectively guiding the reader through your argument.
Argument & Logic
Your essay presents a logical argument, demonstrating a strong ability to discuss complex ideas while keeping an eye on the overall question.
Use of Examples
Your use of examples, particularly the emphasis on future societal needs and the role of youth, significantly strengthens your argument for prioritizing educational spending.

Your opinion

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