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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In some countries, young people have become richer, healthier, and live longer, but they are less happy. What are the causes of this situation, and what can be done to address it?

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As decades pass, youngsters are becoming
more
Correct word choice
healthier
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 and
more healthy
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healthier
, and even the duration of their
Use synonyms
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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 is increasing,
as well as
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 their income.
However
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, in some countries, they are becoming less happy despite these changes. I personally believe
this
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 change is the consequence of overusing social
media
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, and I am going to explain the reason behind
this
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 problem and how to solve it in
this
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 essay. One major reason why
people
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 are becoming unhappy nowadays is that they often compare themselves with others, especially on social
media
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. As social
media
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 offers the opportunity to show only the positive parts of your
life
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, it can easily break the viewers’ conception
about
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of
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 the lives of content creators
due to
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 the lack of imperfections.
Although
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 young
people
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 lead a comfortable
life
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, youngsters are always exposed to images of perfect diets and bodies, successful careers and expensive lifestyles, which makes them think that their lives are ordinary or unimpressive. All of these unrealistic expectations can break the individuals’ self-esteem, leading to depression, anxiety, and reducing the happiness of their lives. To address
this
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 issue, young
people
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 should be encouraged to practice regular digital detox, because it could be one of the most reliable solutions to
this
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 problem. As
people
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 are taking a break from social
media
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, teenagers can replace it by returning to real
life
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 through connecting with their friends and family.
As a result
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, it could restore not only self-esteem, but
also
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 help to fix their view about things that happen in real
life
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. Because when young
people
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 become involved in real-
life
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 activities, they are more likely to build confidence from their own progress, rather than from artificial things,
such
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 as likes
,
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and
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 reposts on social
media
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.
To conclude
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, as social
media
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 started being overfilled with positive content that distorts the expectations in reality, it could easily break the self-esteem of viewers, leading to mental issues. So, regular self-detox could be one of the most reliable solutions to that problem.

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task response
Answer both parts more fully. You explain the cause well, but the fix part is a bit short.
task response
Give one more clear cause, not only social media. This would make your answer feel more complete.
task response
Add a more real and clear example to support your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, body, and end. Keep this plan.
coherence and cohesion
Some links are used too much, like 'as' and 'because'. Use simpler and more varied linking words.
coherence and cohesion
A few sentences are too long. Split them into shorter parts for better flow.
task response
You clearly state your main cause in the first part of the essay.
task response
You answer both the cause and solution questions.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay is easy to follow because each body part has one main idea.
coherence and cohesion
You have both an introduction and a conclusion.
Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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