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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Today, many people do not know their neghbours in large cities. What problems does this cause? What can be done about this?

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Recently, the majority of urban residents do not know
people
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 who live in their community in big cities. The possible reason could be the reduction of social
activities
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 in real life
due to
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 the development of technology. And holding more social
activities
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 could be a feasible solution in local communities. With the rise of technology, especially of social media, an increasing number of
people
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 would rather surf online and talk with strangers virtually than make friends who live nearby. It is primarily because these internet abuse users are extremely introverted in real life , but more confident in front of screens. The development of the internet makes them satisfied and relaxed, so they stop talking
with
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to
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 neighbours.
In addition
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, their requirement can be fulfilled by using the internet,
instead
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 of socialising face-to-face.
For example
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, online shopping and delivery systems allow them to stay at home for 24 hours without going shopping for groceries, which couldn't be imagined 20 years ago. For their mental health, local authorities should hold more
activities
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 to help them keep in touch with each other,
in particular
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 for young
people
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. Psychological consultants should be involved to evaluate their behaviours to ensure there is no mental illness ,
such
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 as depression , and so on. Sports and other hobbies should be encouraged , and relevant facilities should be built and maintained properly for the community. In some cases, emotional support animals should be introduced to certain
people
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 as well. In conclusion, more and more urban citizens are a problem to keep their relationships with their neighbours, mainly because of lifestyle changes
due to
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 technological development, and participating in more social
activities
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 could be a possible solution for them.

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task response
Answer both parts more clearly: say what problems happen when people do not know neighbours, and then give fixes.
task response
Your first body part talks more about causes, not problems. Write about real problems like less help, less safety, and more stress.
task response
Use one clear main idea in each paragraph and add one short example that fits it well.
coherence and cohesion
Your order is easy to follow, with start, body, and end. Keep this clear shape.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words like first, also, because, for example, and as a result.
coherence and cohesion
Some ideas are not fully linked to the question, like mental illness and support animals. Use points that match the topic more closely.
coherence and cohesion
You have a clear introduction and a clear conclusion.
task response
You try to explain your ideas with reasons and one example.
coherence and cohesion
Your paragraphs are easy to see and mostly have one topic.
Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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