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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

More and more people are buying food that is ready to eat rather than choosing to eat home-cooked food. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

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Introduction
Some individuals believe that many
people
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 prefer to consume ready-to-eat
food
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 as compared to home-cooked
food
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.
Although
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this
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 trend helps folks to spend more of their
time
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 on work, and
also
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 give
time
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 to spend with family,
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while
Correct word choice
it
show examples
this
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food
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 is
also
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 making
people
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 unhealthy and forgetting traditional values. I believe
this
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 advancement has more disadvantages than its advantages.
Body · 1
On the one hand,
due to
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 processed
food
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, a number of
people
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 suffer from illness. To illustrate, when manufacturers cook
this
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food
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, they mostly use low-quality oil to make it at a low price, and
also
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 cook
food
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 without caring about the kitchen's sanitation.
For instance
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, as per a recent report, 90% of
people
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 are suffering from serious health issues who eat
this
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 already processed
food
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.
Furthermore
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,
this
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 ready-to-eat
food
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 makes
people
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 dependent on
this
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food
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, and forgets their traditional
food
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 recipes, which gave them some good memories
while
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 cooking that
food
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 for their family.
Body · 2
On the other hand
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,
this
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 trend helps
people
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 to spend more
time
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 with family
members
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 because they already have
food
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 to serve to all family
members
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, and
then
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 spend
time
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 with their family. To clarify, some family
members
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 spend most of their day in the kitchen cooking
food
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 for other
members
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 , but
due to
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 ready-to-eat
food
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, they will
also
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 have enough
time
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 to sit and talk with other family
members
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.
For example
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, in developed countries,
people
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 are very busy at work, and they mostly prefer to cook ready-to-eat
food
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 at home , so they can save some
time
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 to spend with other
members
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.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
due to
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 already processed
food
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,
people
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 are suffering from serious health diseases, and
also
Linking Words
 forgetting traditional recipes of their culture ,
whereas
Linking Words
people
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 have more
time
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 to spend with their family
members
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. I believe
this
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 trend outweigh its disadvantage than advantages.

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task response
Answer the question more directly in each body part. Keep showing why the bad points are stronger than the good points.
task response
Explain your ideas more fully. Some points are clear, but they need more detail to sound stronger.
task response
Use examples that sound more real and careful. Do not use very big numbers unless you are sure.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, middle, and end, which is good.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas more smoothly. Some sentences are long and hard to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has one main idea and clear support for it.
task response
You clearly give your opinion in the introduction and conclusion.
task response
You discuss both sides of the topic, so the reader can follow your view.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay uses clear paragraphing, which helps the reader.
coherence and cohesion
You use basic linking words like on the one hand and on the other hand.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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