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Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people think that competition at work, at school and in daily life is a good thing. Others believe that we should try to cooperate more, rather than competing against each other. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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Introduction
In today's world, a competitive environment is becoming more common. Some
individuals
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 claim that it is effective for
society
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,
while
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 others believe that competition will bring a negative influence on
people
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. From my perspective, I think
individuals
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 should definitely cooperate more rather than
competing
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compete
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.
Body · 1
On the one hand, having competition can let
people
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 show off their passion and ambition, which is beneficial for our economy.
This
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 is because when
individuals
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 are under a competitive space, they can perform better than usual.
For example
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, when
people
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 are constantly in an unsupportive workplace, they may become more independent
,
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apply
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and even have better performance professionally.
Body · 2
On the other hand
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, constantly competing against others may build huge conflicts in
society
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.
Individuals
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 may become more anxious and high-pressure,
even
Correct word choice
and even
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 reduce their trust in each other.
This
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 is because
people
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 only care about themselves rather than helping or cooperating with other
people
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.
This
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 situation happened frequently in school.
For instance
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, students should learn about respect and kindness with their classmates;
however
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, if the competitive trend flows into the educational environment, it may ruin their sense of moral stance and their values.
This
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 is why
individuals
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 believe cooperation is essential.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I agree that
people
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 should cooperate more rather than contrast.
Although
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 competitive spaces create some benefits in
society
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,
such
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 as the independence of
individuals
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 and better work quality. But the negative effect far outweighs it. It is extremely harmful that conflict is becoming more common in
society
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, which may create a huge moral gap between
people
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 in many situations.

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task response
Answer both sides more fully. You talk about competition and cooperation, but the side about competition needs a clearer good point and a stronger example.
task response
Make your opinion very clear in the body too, not only in the introduction and conclusion.
task response
Use examples that are more specific and natural. For school, give one clear case of how too much competition hurts students.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas more smoothly. Some sentences jump too fast from one idea to the next.
coherence and cohesion
Check paragraph unity. Each body paragraph should have one main idea and then explain it step by step.
coherence and cohesion
Be careful with connectors like 'however', 'for example', and 'this is because'. Use them only when the meaning fits exactly.
task response
You answer both views and give your own opinion, so the essay fits the task.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction, two body parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Most main ideas are easy to follow, especially your view that too much competition can hurt trust and values.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • innovation
  • productivity
  • excel
  • outperform
  • advancements
  • academic standards
  • work ethic
  • stress
  • anxiety
  • unhealthy rivalries
  • harmonious
  • supportive
  • collaborative learning
  • social skills
  • communication skills
  • sense of community
  • collective goals
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