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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many young people leave school with negative attitudes towards learning. What are the causes? How to encourage young people to study？

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Introduction
Nowadays, many young individuals graduate from school with negative thoughts
of
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about
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 learning. There are several causes of
this
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problem
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,
such
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 as immense academic
pressure
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 caused by the educational system and
decreasing of the
Replace the word
a decrease in
discipline
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toward
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in
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 educational places.
This
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 essay will examine the main causes of
this
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problem
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 and propose some effective solutions.
Body · 1
One of the primary causes of
this
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problem
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 is immense academic
pressure
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 caused by the educational system.
This
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 is largely because of the exam system
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 is established by the educational department.
For example
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, in Russia, the exam structure called EQE
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 is quite tough for students, and it leads to the rise of relinquishing control between students. Another contributing factor is the
decreasing of the
Replace the word
decline in
discipline
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amidst
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among
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 pupils. In many cases, the ignorance of school admins and teachers, not influencing
children
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leading
Wrong verb form
, leads
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 to
decline
Correct article usage
a decline
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of the
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in
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discipline
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between
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among
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 pupils.
Therefore
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,
this
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problem
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 becomes more widespread and difficult to control.
Body · 2
To address
this
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 issue, several measures should be implemented.
Firstly
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, the
ministry
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Ministry
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 of
education
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Education
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 can drop the difficulty of the exam structures, which is the thing that most of the pupils want.
This
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 would help to decrease the stress and
pressure
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.
For instance
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,
countries
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in countries
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 like Norway and Sweden, the process of receiving and giving systematic information does not cause a lot of difficulties between
children
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, even
their
Correct word choice
though their
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 tutorials are the best in the world.
Secondly
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, working
on
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with
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children
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 could
also
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 be an effective approach. Psychologists can work
on
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with
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 students more and
heed
Verb problem
address
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 their problems. It can decrease the level of bullying, which automatically increases
discipline
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 and motivation.
Conclusion
In conclusion, the negative attitudes toward learning
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 mainly caused by the academic
pressure
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 and the lack of
discipline
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, and it can be addressed through working
on
Change preposition
with
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 and dropping the level of
pressure
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. It is essential that individuals and governments take appropriate action to tackle
this
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 issue before it becomes more severe.

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task response
Answer both parts more fully. You explain the causes well enough, but the ways to encourage study need more clear and direct support.
task response
Give ideas in a more clear way. Some sentences are hard to follow, so your main meaning is not always easy to see.
task response
Use examples that are more specific and more clearly linked to your point.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, body, and end, which is good.
coherence and cohesion
Link some ideas more smoothly. At times, the connection between sentences is weak or not fully clear.
coherence and cohesion
Develop each main point more. Some points are stated, but not fully explained or supported.
task response
You answer both questions in the task, so the essay stays on topic.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction clearly shows what the essay will discuss.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion gives a clear summary of your main ideas.
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