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Writing Samples
Band 6

Some working parents believe childcare centers can provide the best care for children, while others think family members such as grandparents can do it better. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Nowadays, there is a common view that nursery
Use synonyms
centers
Change the spelling
centres
show examples
 are the best place for toddlers to stay
while
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 their
parents
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 are working during the daytime. At the same time, some families may argue that relatives are more trustworthy and will take better care of their
children
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. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss both sides of the debate and reach a conclusion.
To begin
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 with, there is no doubt that daycare
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centers
Change the spelling
centres
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 provide infants with better support for their mental and physical development because they have well-trained teachers and educational materials tailored for young learners.
For example
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,
skillful
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skilful
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 caregivers can teach
children
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 to use the toilet regularly and develop good eating habits through picture books, enabling them to become more independent and ready for the next stage of childhood.
Furthermore
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, toddlers who spend their
daytime
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day
 in childcare facilities
also
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 learn to form friendships and share with others, thereby enabling them to develop teamwork skills and adapt to a shared environment.
On the other hand
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, some
parents
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 may prefer to keep their infants at home with grandparents or other elderly family members, as they are more flexible and can adapt to their guardians’ working schedules.
Moreover
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, the cost of home care by relatives is far lower than the tuition fees at nursery
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centers
Change the spelling
centres
show examples
, which is a significant benefit for young
parents
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, especially when they are starting a family and career.
Consequently
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, an extended family can function effectively to raise
children
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 with consistent emotional support and patience. To
summarize
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summarise
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,
although
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 daycare
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centers
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centres
show examples
 provide certain benefits through a professional environment and trained staff, family members enable
children
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 to grow up in familiar surroundings with a sense of security
while
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 reducing the financial burden on
parents
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. In the final analysis, I believe that family care is generally more beneficial
due to
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 emotional support and flexibility.

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task response
Add one more clear example for the family care side.
task response
Make your opinion a little stronger in body 2, not only in the end.
task response
Some ideas are good, but a few are broad. Explain them a bit more.
coherence and cohesion
Link some ideas more clearly with simple words like also, so, and because.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow, but one or two points could flow more smoothly.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each part and develop it fully.
task response
You answer both sides of the topic and give your own view.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, body, and end.
coherence and cohesion
Your ideas are in a good order and easy to follow.
task response
You use a clear example about toilet training and eating habits.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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