IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Social media has a negative impact on young people's mental health. to what extent to you agree or disagree

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Social
media
Use synonyms
 has become integral to many young people’s lives. And it is argued that their mental health is negatively impacted. I fully agree with the statement, and an outline of its detrimental effects will be discussed
along with
Linking Words
 parental accountability that comes with it.
Although
Linking Words
 social
media
Use synonyms
 was originally created to build a community and provide for that community, it can and has been used irresponsibly. What was originally designed as space for communication, news, and entertainment is now a venue for curated perfection and trolling. Young minds are impressionable; without a fully developed frontal lobe, they are subjected to unfiltered hate, sadness, fear, or jealousy. A teenager constantly following someone’s ideal life may lead to low self-esteem and depression. Being bullied online is derogatory to their confidence . All of these can compromise their psychological well-being. Parents, guardians, or supervising adults should be greatly involved in
this
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. If a teenager’s access to social
media
Use synonyms
 is not monitored and guided, the boundary between healthy and unhealthy will be very thin. Provided that agreed screen time and pre-approved pages or people are on their socials, young minds are set to benefit from the design of social
media
Use synonyms
. We are undoubtedly immersed in digital platforms, especially our youth. As hormonal as they are, they become vulnerable to uncalculated and untailored digital feeds. May we be responsible for the welfare of
this
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 new generation? Let's never forget that optimising these social platforms is parallel to a parent's commitment, reflects accountability, and lays the foundation for a better life.

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task response
Make your main answer more clear all through the essay. You say you fully agree, but one body part talks more about what parents should do than about how social media harms mental health.
task response
Add one or two more clear and real examples. For example, you can show how too much time online can cause stress, poor sleep, or fear of missing out.
task response
Develop each main point a bit more. Some ideas are good, but they need more explanation about how and why the harm happens.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer topic sentences at the start of each body paragraph so the reader can follow your plan more easily.
coherence and cohesion
Some links between ideas are not smooth. Try simple linking words like first, also, for example, and as a result.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph. The last paragraph becomes too broad and less clear.
task response
Your position is clear in the introduction: you fully agree with the statement.
task response
You give relevant points such as online hate, bullying, and low self-worth.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear beginning, middle, and end.
coherence and cohesion
Most ideas are grouped in a logical order.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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