IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Many food and drink products that are manufactured contain large amounts of sugar, which results in a range of health problems. To make people to consume less sugar, sugary products should be sold at higher prices. Do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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In recent years, the issue of processed foods and beverages has sparked intense debate among many
people
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.
While
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 many
people
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 believe that despite an increasing trend in prices, their sales rate may significantly decrease. I completely agree that as they are becoming popular, high prices cannot keep
people
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 from buying them.
This
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 essay will elaborate on my position with relevant arguments and examples.
To begin
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 with, the primary reason why I support
this
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 view is that
processead
Correct your spelling
processed
food
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 and beverage companies invest significant capital in advertising that extremely draws
people
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's attention.
This
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 is because, by being surrounded by pop-up advertisements on social media or in the streets,
people
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 create a bond with the companies because they become familiar with them.
For instance
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, a recent studies show that social media advertisements have a great influence on
people
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's shopping behaviours.
Therefore
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, it is evident that
this
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 approach brings significant consequence on the issue.
Furthermore
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, another major factor to consider is that their sugary taste plays a crucial role in creating an addiction, changing
people
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's brain chemisty and
people
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 become addict those foods and drinks.
In other words
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, since children's brains exhibit neuroplasticity in the early ages, the brain wants more sugary foods , and they force their parents to go to fast
food
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 restaurants. To illustrate, recent studies demonstrate that many fast
food
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 chains use sugar at high levels in their products
instead
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 of real substances.
As a result
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, individuals consume more sugar. In conclusion,
although
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 an increase in prices
,
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apply
show examples
 might slightly reduce sales, I believe it is not the best solution. Because of the power of advertising and the addictive nature of sugar,
people
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 will continue to consume these products. A more complex strategy involving education and better
food
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 labelling is likely needed alongside any price changes.

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task response
Make your main view fully clear at the start. Your first lines sound mixed, so the reader may not know your real answer at once.
task response
Stay very close to the question. The task asks if higher prices should be used, so each body part should link back to that idea more directly.
task response
Use more clear and real support. Some examples are too general, like 'recent studies show'. Add one clear case or fact.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each body paragraph and explain it step by step.
coherence and cohesion
Check linking words and sentence joins. Some parts are hard to follow because ideas are joined too fast or with weak grammar.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure each topic sentence matches your full answer. This will help the whole essay feel more united.
task response
You give a clear opinion in the essay and keep it to the end.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear intro, two body parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use cause and effect ideas to support your points.
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