More and more people are becoming seriously overweight. Some people say that raising the prices of fast food will solve this problem. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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In recent years, there has been a trend of people being significantly overweight. Some opine that the solution is to raise fast food prices,
while
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others disagree. As for me, I strongly support
this
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statement. Fast-food consumption has increased over the years. One possible reason for
this
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is the rising cost of fresh produce and groceries
such
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as fruits and vegetables.
As a result
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, many people resort to quick and affordable options
instead
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of making home-cooked meals.
For instance
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, a set of Mc Burger with fries and drinks costs around 120 baht , and if ordered through the Grab or Lineman applications, the price may even be lower.
This
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is far cheaper than cooking your own meals at home!
Thus
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, making these
items
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costlier is likely to cause a switch to home-cooked food.
Furthermore
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,
this
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approach would
also
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reduce the appeal for consumption amongst teenagers, especially those on a limited income. With the rise in expenditure, they would find other options , including carrying tiffins rather than spending huge amounts on unhealthy
items
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.
For example
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, teenagers are given pocket money to spend; currently, fast food is in demand as they find it affordable. Once a tax is introduced , raising the cost of these unhealthy
items
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, demand is likely to fall.
Moreover
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, the increase in price would
also
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lead to better health for the people. The percentage of overweight individuals has been on the rise , and
this
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has led to several health-related illnesses
such
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as cardiovascular diseases, diabetes and high blood pressure.
Thus
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, the approach of making these junk foods more expensive is likely to be effective in reducing these health-related issues. In conclusion, I firmly agree with the statement that increasing the prices will solve the issue of being overweight. The world's economy has been entering a recession , and unemployment has been on the rise.
Thus
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, implementing a tax on these
items
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would definitely lead to a reduction in expenditure, enabling the government to solve the issue of overweight.

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task response
Task response: Your answer is clear, but the topic says 'to what extent'. You should show why you agree, and also say why other ways may be needed. This would make your position more full.
task response
Task response: Some ideas are too strong, like saying higher prices will 'solve' overweight. It is better to say it may help reduce the problem, because weight also depends on exercise, sleep, and home food choices.
task response
Task response: Your examples are relevant, but some are not fully explained. Add one short reason after each example to show exactly how price change affects food choice and body weight.
coherence and cohesion
Coherence and cohesion: The essay has a clear 4-part shape: intro, body, body, end. This helps the reader follow your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Coherence and cohesion: Paragraph 2 and 3 link well to the main point about price. But the last line of the conclusion about recession and government solving overweight does not connect well. Keep the end close to your main idea only.
coherence and cohesion
Coherence and cohesion: Some link words are good, like 'Furthermore' and 'Moreover', but a few ideas jump too fast. Use simple links like 'This means', 'Because of this', and 'As a result' to make each step easy to follow.
task response
Task response: You answer the question clearly and your opinion is easy to see from the start.
task response
Task response: You give real-life examples about fast food price and teen spending, which makes the essay more believable.
coherence and cohesion
Coherence and cohesion: Each body paragraph has one main idea, so the essay is mostly easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Coherence and cohesion: The introduction and conclusion are both present, and this gives the essay a complete shape.
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