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Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people think that children should be raised by all the family members (uncle, aunt and grandparents) rather than only parents. Give your opinion.

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Many people believe that all family members, including uncles and aunts, should participate in raising
children
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, as it may be hard for
parents
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 to raise them by themselves. It might be helpful in some cases;
however
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, I think that
parents
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 can take care of their kids on their own.
To begin
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, nowadays, many modern jobs require more work time.
As a result
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,
parents
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 do not have a lot of time to spend with their family, especially with their kids. Most people in
this
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 situation decide to leave their
child
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 in the care of relatives who can look after them until one of the
parents
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—particularly the mother—picks them up after work.
This
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 kind of help is used by many people all over the world, and relatives
such
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 as uncles and aunts have more time to spend with the
children
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, influencing their upbringing and development.
However
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, the primary upbringing of a
child
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 falls to the
parents
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. Instilling
responsibility
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 is key to raising a
child
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.
Parents
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 have the potential to
instill
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instil
show examples
 a sense of
responsibility
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 in the
child
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 better than other family members.
This
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 is because
children
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 tend to obey their
parents
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.
Moreover
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, kids imitate their
parents
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 and try to copy their
behavior
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behaviour
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. If
parents
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 don't put enough effort into raising their
children
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 and give
this
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responsibility
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 to other family members, the
children
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 may not develop certain personality traits, especially those connected with their
parents
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.
Hence
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,
this
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 justifies the argument that
children
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 should be raised by their
parents
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.
To sum up
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,
this
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 essay argues that
children
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 have to be raised by their
parents
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.
That is
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 because only
parents
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 can provide a
child
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 with a proper upbringing, and the
responsibility
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 for their
behavior
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behaviour
show examples
 lies solely with the
parents
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.

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task response
Answer all parts of the task more fully. Say more clearly why family help is good and why parents should still lead.
task response
Add one more clear example to support your ideas. This will make your points stronger.
task response
Your opinion is clear, but explain it a little more in each body paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, middle, and end. To make it better, use linking words more naturally.
coherence and cohesion
Some ideas are clear, but a few sentences are too general. Make each main point more fully developed.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence connection. In some places, the flow can be smoother between one idea and the next.
task response
You give a clear opinion and keep it through the essay.
task response
You answer the main question and discuss both sides.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has clear paragraphs with an introduction and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Most ideas follow in a logical order.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • raise a child
  • family members
  • grandparents
  • uncles and aunts
  • main role
  • give support
  • feel safe
  • life lessons
  • good behavior
  • clear rules
  • different opinions
  • daily care
  • take responsibility
  • right and wrong
  • a stable home
  • family bond
  • show respect
  • guide a child
  • make key decisions
  • work together
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