IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

More and more people are becoming seriously overweight. Some people say that raising the prices of fast food will solve this problem. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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In recent years, many
people
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 have become concerned about their health, especially the issue of being overweight. Some of them believe that fast
food
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 is the source of
this
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 trouble.
Therefore
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, they assume that raising fast-
food
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 prices is the only solution. In my observation, I disagree with their statement and believe there is another way to reduce individuals' weight. First of all,
people
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 can make fast
food
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 in their own places without any worry about the prices at the stores.
Although
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 raising the prices of fast
food
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 might bring a result in the short term,
people
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 can still buy these ingridients in original
price
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 at the market.
For example
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, if fast
food
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 stores increase the
price
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 of fried chicken, the folks would not be able to afford it.
Thus
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, they might tend to buy chicken, flour, eggs, and oil at the supermarkets
instead
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. Eventually, these customers stay overweight.
Secondly
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, changing
food
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type
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 and controlling
food
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 amount are better and more stable ways to decrease body weight. The solution, which the title has shown, is concerned not only with
price
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 but
also
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 with the
food
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type
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. As always, fast
food
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 contains excessive oil and sugar, which could easily damage human health.
As a result
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, we should ask
people
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 to change their
food
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type
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 from greasy fast
food
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 to healthy prototype foods,
such
Linking Words
 as vegetables and unprocessed meat.
At the end
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, even though the solution is not realistic, admittedly, the public is aware of the problem of being overweight. From my perspective, to control body weight, we should focus more on the
type
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 of
food
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 rather than its
price
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.

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task response
Make your main answer more clear in the first part. Say you disagree, and say why in a direct way.
task response
Add one more strong idea about why higher fast-food prices may not work. This will make your answer more full.
task response
Your example about people cooking at home is useful, but explain it more clearly step by step.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words more carefully. Sometimes the ideas jump too fast from one point to the next.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each body part. This will make the essay easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to understand because the meaning is not fully clear. Make each sentence short and direct.
task response
You answer the question and give a clear opinion.
task response
You include an example to support your point.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two body parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Words like First of all, Secondly, and At the end help show the order of ideas.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • seriously overweight
  • obesity
  • raise prices
  • fast food
  • solve the problem
  • to some extent
  • partly agree
  • partly disagree
  • low-income families
  • eat out
  • buy less often
  • high in fat
  • high in sugar
  • high in salt
  • take in too many calories
  • poor eating habits
  • lack of exercise
  • daily lifestyle
  • long working hours
  • cheap and convenient
  • food choice
  • healthy option
  • public health
  • clear food labels
  • health education
  • sports facilities
  • walking paths
  • food advertising
  • government policy
  • personal responsibility
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