IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

: Some people think that mobile phones and the internet have made people closer to each other. Others believe that these technologies have made people more lonely. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Nowadays, many
people
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use
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 the internet in their daily lives.
While
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 some
people
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 believe that mobile
phones
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 and the internet have made
people
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 closer to each other, others believe that these technologies have made
people
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more lonely
Replace the word
lonelier
.
This
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 essay will discuss both views and give my own opinion. On the one hand, some
people
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 believe that mobile
phones
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 and the internet help
people
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 stay closer.
For example
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, families who live in different countries can easily communicate. They can
use
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 video calls like WhatsApp or Zoom every day.
Also
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,
people
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 can find new friends on social platforms.
This
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 is beneficial for teenagers because they can meet
people
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 who have the same hobbies.
In addition
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, shy
people
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 feel more comfortable talking online than
face to face
Correct your spelling
face-to-face
.
Therefore
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,
technology
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 helps
people
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 build relationships.
On the other hand
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, other
people
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 believe that
technology
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 makes
people
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more lonely
Replace the word
lonelier
.
For example
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, many teenagers spend too much time on their
phones
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. They do not talk to their family members at home. They prefer online friends to real
people
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.
Also
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, some
people
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 see perfect photos on social media and feel bad about their own
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
.
This
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 can make them feel sad and lonely.
In addition
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, young
people
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 go outside less because they watch videos or play games at home. So,
technology
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 can reduce real communication. In conclusion, there are good points on both sides. In my opinion,
technology
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 can bring
people
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 closer if we
use
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 it correctly. We should
use
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phones
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 to call family who live far away. But we should
also
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 spend time with
people
Use synonyms
 in real life. I believe balance is the most important thing for everyone.

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task response
For task response, give a little more deep ideas. Your opinion is clear, but some points are still basic.
task response
For task response, add more clear examples from real life to make your answer stronger.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, try to link ideas inside each paragraph more smoothly, not only with simple words like also, for example, and on the other hand.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, explain each main point a bit more before moving to the next one.
task response
For task response, you answered all parts of the question and gave your opinion clearly.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, your essay has a clear structure with introduction, two body paragraphs, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, your ideas are easy to follow and the paragraphing is good.
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