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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some prople think that competition at work, at school and in daily life is a good thing. Others believe that we should try to cooperate more, rather than competing against each other. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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Few
people
Use synonyms
 believe that
make
Wrong verb form
making
show examples
 a competitive structure
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as
Use synonyms
work places
Correct your spelling
workplaces
,
school
Check wording
schools
show examples
,
even
Correct word choice
and even
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
daily
life
Punctuation problem
life,
show examples
 helps
people
Use synonyms
more
Verb problem
be more
show examples
product
Replace the word
productive
. The other
people
Use synonyms
 reckon that cooperative
behavior allows
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 works better than competing
each
Change preposition
with each
show examples
 other. In those statements, I believe that
be
Wrong verb form
being
show examples
 collaborative
together
Rephrase
apply
show examples
when
deal
Wrong verb form
dealing
show examples
 with a difficult matter
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
results in
show examples
 more efficient
Use synonyms
result
Check wording
outcomes
show examples
.
One
Change preposition
On
show examples
 the
on
Correct determiner usage
one
show examples
 hand, some
people
Use synonyms
consist
Verb problem
believe
show examples
 that competition when producing
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
good results in workplaces, schools, and even between families could be helpful
developing
Change preposition
in developing
show examples
them selves
Correct your spelling
themselves
. Indeed, many companies adopt
this
Linking Words
 method
between
Change preposition
among
show examples
 employers through incentive payments. Not only
a
Verb problem
does a
show examples
person who
are make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
 good
result
Use synonyms
 receives bonus more than did not
but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
also
Linking Words
 may have a chance
to
Change preposition
at
show examples
 promotion. Those competitive structures may bring extra profits
at
Change preposition
to
show examples
 companies in a short time.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, many other
people
Use synonyms
ague
Correct your spelling
argue
 that profits in collaborative group culture
overweight than
Correct word choice
outweigh
show examples
 competition groups in
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 long run.
Although
Linking Words
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 competitive group cultures bring
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
short-term profits,
people
Use synonyms
 who are engaged in that group can not
work
Use synonyms
a
Change preposition
in the
show examples
 long term because of mental stress.
For instance
Linking Words
, a lot of employees of big-size enterprise has short term duration rather than middle or
star-up
Correct your spelling
start-up
 businesses.
While
Linking Words
 they ensure high salaries,
great
Correct article usage
a great
show examples
 deal of
work
Use synonyms
 load make them
to
Wrong verb form
apply
show examples
leave. If successfully promoted, a lot of competitors threaten that place.
As a
Linking Words
result
Use synonyms
, someone who did not endure that pressure may leave that company.
To sum up
Linking Words
, it is evident that
competitive
Correct article usage
a competitive
show examples
 environment allows
people
Use synonyms
Use synonyms
work
Verb problem
to work
show examples
 harder and
productive
Verb problem
be more productive
show examples
.
However
Linking Words
, it is evident that excessive competition
result
Use synonyms
 to
people
Use synonyms
exhaust
Wrong verb form
being exhausted
show examples
. In
this
Linking Words
 matter, I would firmly argue that collaborative groups make employees
work
Use synonyms
 longer and less
stressful
Rephrase
stressfully
show examples
.

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task response
Answer both sides more fully. You talk about both views, but the first side needs more detail.
task response
Make your opinion very clear from start to end. Your view is there, but it can be stronger in the body paragraphs.
task response
Use more clear examples to support each main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Put one main idea in each paragraph and explain it step by step.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words more carefully, like 'on the one hand', 'on the other hand', and 'as a result'.
coherence and cohesion
Check that each sentence connects well to the next one. Some parts are hard to follow.
task response
You discuss both views and give your own opinion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear ending paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
You use paragraphing, which helps the reader follow your ideas.
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