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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many children today are overweight. This is a serious health problem. Give the reasons responsible for the child obesity problem and give solutions to solve this problem.

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Obesity
Use synonyms
 is quickly becoming a global epidemic related to serious
health
Use synonyms
 conditions that
involves
Correct subject-verb agreement
involve
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 having excess body fat early in life. The extra weight often has a negative effect on
child’s
Correct article usage
a child’s
show examples
health
Use synonyms
. As it may lead to poor self-esteem and depression. Currently, data
indicates
Correct subject-verb agreement
indicate
show examples
 that the prevalence of
obesity
Use synonyms
 in
children
Use synonyms
 is at 20 %.
This
Linking Words
easy
Check wording
essay
show examples
 will examine the reasons and the solutions for that matter. On the one hand, the main reason for being overweight is that
children
Use synonyms
 are likely to have excessive food consumption and drink
high
Replace the word
high-calorie
calories
Punctuation problem
calories,
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 sweetened beverages.
Consequently
Linking Words
, those
children
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 who are obese are more at risk for adult
health
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 problems like heart disease, diabetes and several types of cancer. An article in “
New
Correct article usage
The New
show examples
 York Times” recently
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 published a study
highlights
Wrong verb form
highlighting
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 that childhood
obesity
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 may result
to
Change preposition
in
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 a reduction in life span
two
Change preposition
of two
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 to five years.
Moreover
Linking Words
, there are a variety of biopsychosocial factors that contribute to
obesity
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Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
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 as genetic and family history. Those are playing a vital role in effects
which both are
Correct word order
that are both
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 outside of people’s control. Biological cases play a big part in influencing how the body stores and responds to fat. One more reason
can
Correct pronoun usage
that can
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 affect is stress eating and poor sleep
where
Punctuation problem
, where
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 new generations suffer during exam periods.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, despite widespread knowledge of the negative
health
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 effects, there are few feasible and sustainable solutions that
helps
Correct subject-verb agreement
help
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 to
do
Verb problem
make
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 a significant change.
First,
Linking Words
physical activity for
children
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 should focus
in
Change preposition
on
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 promoting positive life cycle choices and habits. Not only does physical activity provide benefits for
heart
Correct article usage
the heart
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 and muscles
but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
Linking Words
also it
Correct word order
it also
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 reduces numerous
type
Fix the agreement mistake
types
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 of cancer.
Second,
Linking Words
regular amounts of sleep,
as well as
Linking Words
daily
Correct article usage
a daily
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 bedtime
routine
Punctuation problem
routine,
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 are essential for
overall
Linking Words
health
Use synonyms
. In conclusion,
Use synonyms
Obesity
Correct article usage
the obesity
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 pandemic continues to increase among
children
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,
Punctuation problem
;
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 everyone must encourage healthy home habits to create positive
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
.
This
Linking Words
 will assist
to prevent
Change preposition
in preventing
show examples
 the impact and consider all possible ways to decrease the risk and concurring related diseases.

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task response
Answer both parts more fully. You give reasons and solutions, but the solutions part is shorter and less developed.
task response
Make each main idea clear with one simple example or result. This will make your points stronger.
task response
Stay focused on child obesity. Some ideas, like many adult diseases, are useful, but explain more how they link to children now.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer topic sentences at the start of each body paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Connect ideas in a smoother way. Some sentences are hard to follow because the grammar breaks the link between ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Group similar ideas together. For example, diet, sleep, and stress can each be in a clear order.
coherence and cohesion
You clearly have an introduction and a conclusion.
task response
You answer both parts of the question: reasons and solutions.
coherence and cohesion
You use paragraphing, which helps the reader follow your essay.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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