IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Public celebrations (festivals, national day) are held in some countries. Some people think that they are very expensive and the government should spend money on some other important issues. Do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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Cultural
events
Use synonyms
 are celebrated in many
nations
Use synonyms
.
People
Use synonyms
 argue that authorities should allocate funds
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 other concerns because these festivals prove to be costly. I totally agree with the statement because these funds could be used for the
issue's
Check wording
issues
show examples
 of minorities
other
Punctuation problem
, other
show examples
 than that resolve problems of
transport
Use synonyms
 and
accomodation
Correct your spelling
accommodation
 of needy
peoples
Check wording
people
show examples
. Rather than spending money on national days and
events
Use synonyms
it
Punctuation problem
, it
show examples
 can be utilised in the betterment of minorities living
the
Change preposition
in the
show examples
 territory.
less
Fix capitalization
Less
show examples
 developed
nations
Use synonyms
 suffer huge problems
while
Linking Words
 living in a different state, so in order to protect their rights, laws should be made
Linking Words
besides
Change preposition
beyond
show examples
 discrimination and colour.
People
Use synonyms
 of different
nation
Fix the agreement mistake
nations
show examples
 face
issue
Correct article usage
the issue
show examples
 of
unlawfull
Correct your spelling
unlawful
 judiciary where all
procecutions
Correct your spelling
prosecutions
 are made on
basis
Correct article usage
the basis
show examples
 of colour and cast.
Hence
Linking Words
, proper rights of law and living should be given to minor
nations
Use synonyms
.
For instance
Linking Words
, in Pakistan,
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 allocate funds every year for smaller
nations
Use synonyms
 to build their worship places
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
moreover
Linking Words
 proper judiciary system is present. Concerns of
Use synonyms
transport
Correct article usage
the transport
show examples
 and housing sectors can be improved
instead
Linking Words
 of spending on cultural
events
Use synonyms
 which have no means.
Although
Linking Words
 traditional
events
Use synonyms
helps
Correct subject-verb agreement
help
show examples
 in keeping history alive
but
Correct word choice
,
show examples
 the revenue being spent
their
Use the right word
there
show examples
 could be used for
betterment
Correct article usage
the betterment
show examples
 of roads and public
transport
Use synonyms
. Commuters face many difficulties
while
Linking Words
traveling
Change the spelling
travelling
show examples
 daily
Linking Words
hence
Punctuation problem
; hence
show examples
, cheaper tickets should be announced. Apart from that,
housing
Correct article usage
the housing
show examples
 sector
face
Correct subject-verb agreement
faces
show examples
 adverse implications as
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 do not have places to live. In order to
that
Verb problem
do that
show examples
proper
Punctuation problem
, proper
show examples
 housing schemes should be announced with all necessary amenities so
people
Use synonyms
could
Wrong verb form
can
show examples
 enjoy living.
For example
Linking Words
, developed countries like China facilitate their citizens by offering them cheaper and
fast
Correct word choice
faster
show examples
transport
Use synonyms
.
Morover
Correct your spelling
Moreover
, housing complexes are constructed in order to resolve the concern of
accomodation
Correct your spelling
accommodation
.
To conclude
Linking Words
, issues of less developed
nations
Use synonyms
 could be
adressed
Correct your spelling
addressed
 better
intead
Correct your spelling
instead
 of celebrating
events
Use synonyms
 and holidays.
Linking Words
Furthermore
Add a comma
Furthermore,
show examples
 daily necessities can be improved so
people
Use synonyms
could
Wrong verb form
can
show examples
 live a better lifestyle.

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coherence cohesion
Make your main idea more direct in each body part. Start each part with one clear point, then explain it.
coherence cohesion
Use linking words in a more careful way. Some are used, but a few lines still feel hard to follow.
coherence cohesion
Give fuller support for each point. Your ideas about minority rights, transport, and housing need deeper explanation.
task achievement
Answer the question more fully by comparing public events with other needs in a clearer way.
task achievement
Develop your examples more. The Pakistan and China examples are helpful, but they need more detail to be strong.
task achievement
Keep your position fully clear from start to end. You agree, but some lines about culture seem to soften your view without full explanation.
task achievement
You give a clear opinion in the introduction and conclusion.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a basic paragraph structure with introduction, body, and conclusion.
task achievement
You use examples from real countries, which helps support your ideas.
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