In some countries, older people are choosing to live in retirement communities with other older people rather than living with their adult children. Is it a positive or negative development?

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In
this
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modern era, some elderly people prefer to reside in a
retirement
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center
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centre
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with other senior citizens rather than residing with their children. I
am
Verb problem
apply
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totally agree with
this
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matter , and in
this
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essay I will discuss the aspects
to
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of
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it and explain why I am in agreement. One major supporting factor is that, nowadays, most of the adults have many responsibilities,
in addition
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to taking
care
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of their parents during their elderly age.
Moreover
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, senior citizens require more
care
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in terms of their physical and mental aspects.
Therefore
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, the majority of adults find it difficult to provide necessary support for their parents at
their
Correct determiner usage
an
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older age.
On the other hand
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,
retirement
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centers
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centres
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consist of various features and facilities that elders might find favourable for their day-to-day life.
For example
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, there are personalised activities for maintaining their physical and mental health
and
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, and
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there are experienced individuals
such
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as doctors and caretakers to take
care
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of them.
Secondly
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, mental health is one of the major aspects that gets affected during their final years
due to
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their older age , and
currently
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currently,
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many children don't have adequate time to spend with them to provide the required support regarding
this
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matter.
Nevertheless
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, in a community of retired individuals, it is most likely to have similar-minded people who might have the same interests
and
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, and
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it is
favorable
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favourable
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for their mentality, rather than living alone during most of the day inside a house.
For example
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, in
China
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China,
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there are a lot of
retirement
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facilities that have dancing, music, gardening and various types of groups that older people can contribute to and enjoy their time with each other.
To sum up
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, for retired individuals, it is significantly beneficial to reside in a
retirement
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home, rather than living with their busy children who don't have time to provide the affection and
care
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that they deserve.
Hence
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, generally speaking, the former trend is a positive development towards elders.

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task response
Use the right form: say 'I totally agree', not 'I am totally agree'.
task response
Make your main idea more direct in the first paragraph. State clearly why this is positive.
task response
Explain your ideas a little more deeply. Some points are good, but a few are still general.
coherence and cohesion
Check if each sentence links clearly to the one before it. A few parts feel long and a bit hard to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple linking words well, like 'first', 'also', 'as a result', and 'in contrast'.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid very long sentences with many ideas. Split them into two sentences to make your meaning clearer.
task response
You answer the question clearly and give a clear opinion from the start.
coherence and cohesion
Your two main body paragraphs each have one clear main point.
task response
You use examples like China and activities in retirement homes to support your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear beginning, middle, and ending.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • old people
  • home
  • care
  • family
  • children
  • adult
  • choice
  • positive
  • negative
  • good
  • bad
  • life
  • well
  • health
  • safety
  • cost
  • money
  • support
  • social
  • friends
  • talk
  • visit
  • together
  • apart
  • independence
  • privacy
  • plan
  • policy
  • culture
  • value
  • well-being
  • burden
  • stress
  • care home
  • retirement
  • community
  • option
  • need
  • prefer
  • quality
  • risk
  • trust
  • communication
  • family ties
  • life in old age
  • access
  • services
  • activity
  • support
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