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Writing Samples
Band 6

In many countries around the world, rural people are moving to cities, so the population in the countryside is decreasing. Do you think this is a positive or a negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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Urbanization
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 has been a debatable topic in the world because it has been impacting the numbers of
population
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 in rural
areas
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. The advantages of shifting
population
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 in the
city
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 are better job
opportunities
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 and facilities than in rural
areas
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.
However
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, the decreasing number of
people
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 that live in urban
areas
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 would bring some burden
such
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 as the strain on urban infrastructure. I wholeheartedly argue that
urbanization
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 brings more negative effects.
People
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 tend to move from rural
areas
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 to the cities to obtain better job
opportunities
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 and accommodation
such
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 as healthcare and education.
This
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 happens
due to
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 the fact that the advancement of facilities in urban
areas
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 is quicker than in rural
areas
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 and obviously, better amenities would ease
people
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 in their daily lives.
For example
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, in Gunung Kidul, Indonesia, job
opportunities
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 for
people
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 with IT backgrounds are limited because
this
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 area is not an industrialized area,
thus
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 almost 40% of locals are moving to the
city
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.
Although
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 the facilities and
opportunities
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 in the
city
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 are better than in rural
areas
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, rural-to-urban migration is not the only solution because there are negative sides to the
population
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 shift. The
population
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 shift makes the
population
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 in
countryside
Correct article usage
the countryside
show examples
 decrease and it
consequently
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 burdens the society because they lack of
population
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 in productive ages.
While
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 there are more chances in urban, the countryside itself has a basic livelihood that needs
young
Correct article usage
a young
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 age and with
urbanization
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, there are limited
people
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 to help with the work.
For instance
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, in Gunung Kidul, Yogyakarta, where most
the
Change preposition
of the
show examples
 folks are farmers, they need young age to help with the land,
however
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, most of the citizens move to
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city
Add an article
the city
a city
show examples
 and the land is left abandoned.
To conclude
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,
urbanization
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 has both positive and negative impacts.
While
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 urban cities provide better amenities, it would be strained because of the rural-to-urban migration.
Therefore
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, the equality of the development of infrastructure would be a better workaround for
people
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 in rural
areas
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 because they could access what they need without moving to the
city
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.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that all paragraphs maintain a clear connection to the main argument. Some sentences, especially in the body paragraphs, could be made more concise for better clarity.
task achievement
Expand and clarify examples to strengthen the argument. Consider using a wider array of examples to cover more aspects of the argument.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which effectively frame the argument.
task achievement
The main points are generally well-supported with relevant details.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • rural-to-urban migration
  • population shift
  • positive impact
  • negative impact
  • urbanization
  • job opportunities
  • access to education
  • access to healthcare
  • urban infrastructure
  • rural traditions
  • cultural heritage
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