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Writing Samples
Band 6

‏In some cultures, childrens are often told they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?

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In some nations, youngsters are often told that they can accomplish their desires if they push themselves hard enough.
While
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 it has some downsides, the upsides -
such
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 as receiving enough motivation and
guidance
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, which can help
children
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 find a path for their future - can be far greater. On the one hand,
guidance
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 and motivation play a crucial role in developing
children
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's mindset
that is
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 formed by pressure.
This
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 is because the brain exhibits neuroplasticity at an early age, allowing them to
constitute
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form
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 well-connected ideas and a clear perspective on their future.
Moreover
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, they can save considerable time by pushing themselves to stay dedicated, rather than wasting time on trial and error.
For instance
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, in Germany, recent studies show that teaching professionals provide
children
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 with a structured environment where they evaluate their performance on different topics, and they guide them toward the area where they can leverage their abilities in a selected field, and they become more successful in future.
Hence
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, the method not only provides
children
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 with sufficient
guidance
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 but
also
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 helps them become more dedicated to the field.
On the other hand
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, telling youngsters too often what they should do can have a negative impact on their mental health. Receiving too much
guidance
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 on their performance in their desired field can lead to deteriorating the learning process and enthusiasm.
As a result
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, pushing too hard puts enormous pressure on them, which creates mental health conditions. To illustrate, research suggests that
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apply
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young people who are not pushed by their environment or parents show higher performance in their academic and work life and become more resilient against emotional pressure than their peers, and they easily get into the university that they want.
Therefore
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, there is a strong link between pushing a person too hard and their mental health. In conclusion,
although
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 there are some drawbacks of pushing too
hards
Replace the word
hard
, it has some benefits
such
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 as improving their abilities and helping youngsters find their interests. These advantages outweigh the disadvantages.

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task response
Answer both sides more directly. Say clearly what the good points are and what the bad points are.
coherence and cohesion
Make your main idea in each body paragraph very clear in the first line.
task response
Use examples that fit your point better. Some examples now feel too general or not fully clear.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas in a simpler way. Some long lines are hard to follow.
task response
Be careful not to change the question. The topic is about telling children they can do anything if they try hard, not only about pressure or guidance.
task response
You answered both advantages and disadvantages and gave your opinion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear intro, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use linking words like 'On the one hand' and 'On the other hand' well.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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