IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

People are not facing safety inside or outside of the houses. What are the causes of this and how it can be solved?

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It is becoming glaring that the populace
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 not
secured
Replace the word
secure
 within and outside their homes.
This
Linking Words
 concerning development can be attributed to factors I shall explain below. To start with, most homes (especially in the
western
Capitalize the proper name
Western
show examples
 world) are not built with sturdy materials. The focus is placed on aesthetics and ambiance, rather than safety and durability. Glass doors and windows, flimsy planks as floorboards and walls that cave in with a punch are examples of how houses themselves cannot act as a fortress in times of danger, either man made or natural. Glass can be easily shattered, planks can give way or dent and walls can be penetrated or broken down.
Secondly
Linking Words
, high-level security or state-of-the-art safety equipments
such
Linking Words
 as a 360 rotating camera, home entrance codes, biometric scans, etc, that can guarantee sufficient
protection
Punctuation problem
protection,
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are wildly
Correct subject-verb agreement
is widely
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 expensive and only a quarter of the population can afford
this
Linking Words
. The clear alternative might be to hire
a
Correct article usage
apply
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security personnel, but that
also
Linking Words
 requires payment of salary from the humble income of an average
indidvidual
Correct your spelling
individual
. The income
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 already includes feeding, transportation, utilities & maintenance , rent, and possible emergencies. It is almost impossible to have anything substantial left. A vital solution to these challenges cited above could include
construction
Correct article usage
the construction
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 of stronger homes, with ways to get in and ways to get out. There has to be a way where safety and beauty can overlap so that houses can
be
Verb problem
apply
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still be attractive to the owners and impregnable to outsiders.
Also
Linking Words
, there could be officers assigned to patrol particularly notorious streets every fortnight and conduct regular check-ins with the civilians. Agencies or
organizations
Change the spelling
organisations
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 can be set up specifically for the task of monitoring neighbourhoods and streets,
as well as
Linking Words
 reporting suspicious activities.
Finally
Linking Words
, individuals themselves have the burden of staying safe and being vigilant wherever they are
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
however
Linking Words
 government can assist in
this
Linking Words
 mission of preventing harm and safekeeping its people.

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task response
Task response: You answer both parts of the question. This is good. But some ideas are too general. Add more clear causes outside the home, like weak police work, poor street lights, or crime in public places.
task response
Task response: Your solutions are linked to your causes, but they need more detail. Explain how each solution will work and who will do it.
task response
Task response: Use one or two very clear examples. This will make your points stronger and more real.
coherence and cohesion
Coherence and cohesion: Your essay has a clear start, middle, and end. This is good. But paragraph 2 is very long. Break long ideas into smaller parts.
coherence and cohesion
Coherence and cohesion: Some linking is good, like 'To start with', 'Secondly', and 'Finally'. Try to use more simple links such as 'First', 'Also', 'For example', 'As a result'.
coherence and cohesion
Coherence and cohesion: Keep the focus fully on 'inside and outside the house'. Much of the essay is about home safety only. Add one full body paragraph about danger outside the home.
task response
Task response: You clearly state that there are causes and solutions. You stay on the topic.
task response
Task response: Your ideas about strong homes and street patrols are relevant to the question.
coherence and cohesion
Coherence and cohesion: The essay has an introduction and a short conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Coherence and cohesion: The order of ideas is easy to follow in most parts.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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