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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some toddlers are using mobile phones for hours each day. Why is this the case? Is this a positive or negetive development?

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Kids around the ages of 2_5 years old nowadays
,
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apply
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 are spending a lot of
time
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 on cell
phones
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.
Parents
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 rely on
this
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 option to keep the kids busy, but it can cause serious problems with the
childeren's
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children's
overall
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 mental health.
Parents
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 depend on mobile
phones
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 to keep
toddlers
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 occupied
,
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apply
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while
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 completing their daily tasks or
practicing
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practising
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 different activities in public. The reason for
this
Linking Words
 is the devices'
abillity
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ability
 to grab kids' attention easily. With today's technology, cell
phones
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 are fast,
flexiable
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flexible
, and full of
colors
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colours
show examples
, which makes them a quick way to entertain a toddler and give the
care takers
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caretakers
 a decent amount of
time
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 to complete a
variaty
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variety
 of tasks without worrying about them. Most
parents
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 use
this
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 option in resturants
for instance
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.
Resturants
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Restaurants
 do not
necessarly
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necessarily
 offer many entertainment options, so
parents
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 just hand off their
phones
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, so that long waitings for the food can feel much faster for the child.
Humens
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Human
 bodies
wittness
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witness
 most development when they are younger,
that is
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 why the
time
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toddlers
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 spend engaging in different things
matter
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matters
show examples
 a lot when it comes to
thier
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their
 mental health. The intensive hours spent in front of a screen
,
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apply
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creats
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creates
 a habit of getting used to fast dopamine. In another way,
childeren
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children
 should learn how to be
patiance
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patient
, which is
somthing
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something
 that can not be taught if they get offered more screen
time
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 the moment they feel bored.
In addition
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, researchers over the years have proved the effect
visiual
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visual
 images and bright
colors
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colours
show examples
 can have
in
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on
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toddlers
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' mood and attention span, the more addicted to mobile
phones
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 they are, the more
short tempared
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short-tempered
 they become. In conclusion,
toddlers
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 spend
alot
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a lot
 of
time
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 on cell
phones
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 in today's world. The reason being how fast it is with helping them stay busy and
entertaind
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entertained
. It is
importante
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important
 that we don't
over look
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overlook
 the disadvantages of it and the effects it has on the
overall
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 development of the
kid's
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kids'
show examples
 mental health.

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task response
Answer both parts more fully. You explain why parents give phones, but your view on good or bad can be stronger and more direct in body paragraph 2.
task response
Give one more clear example for harm, such as less sleep, less talk with parents, or less play with other kids.
task response
Develop your ideas a bit more. Some points are good, but a few are too general and need one more sentence of support.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, middle, and end. Keep this plan.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words carefully. Words like 'because', 'for example', 'however', and 'therefore' can make the flow smoother.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are too long and heavy. Split long ideas into two shorter sentences to make them easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph. This will make your message more clear.
task response
You answer the question and give a clear opinion that this is a negative change.
task response
You give a real reason: parents use phones to keep kids busy while they do daily tasks.
task response
You include an example about restaurants, which helps support your point.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction and a conclusion, so the reader can follow your main idea.
coherence and cohesion
The order of ideas is logical: reason first, then effects.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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