IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

The use of mobile phones is as antisocial as smoking. Smoking is banned in certain places so mobile phones should be banned like smoking. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Although
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 smoking in public is a danger to the health of others, in certain public places, the overwhelming majority of
people
Use synonyms
 would
also
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 consider the
use
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 of mobile
phones
Use synonyms
 as antisocial behaviour.
While
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 I agree that a restriction on using mobile
phones
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 is sometimes necessary, I believe that a blanket ban should not be imposed. On the one hand, in some situations, it is a good policy to ban the
use
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 of mobile
phones
Use synonyms
.
For example
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, in a classroom or a library,
people
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 wish to read or to study without the distraction of noise. There would be an outcry from library-users if
people
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 were to be permitted to chat on their mobile
phones
Use synonyms
. A more serious example is the need to make illegal the
use
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 of mobile
phones
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while
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 driving a vehicle.
This
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 is not only antisocial, but it is
also
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 incompatible with safety on the roads, possibly resulting in a fatal accident.
On the other hand
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, in order to live in harmony with one another, it should be socially acceptable to tolerate the
use
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 of mobile
phones
Use synonyms
 in some circumstances. It may be possible,
for instance
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, to segregate
people
Use synonyms
 on public transport by designating chat areas on trains or buses, in the same way that in many workplaces smokers are allowed to
use
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 certain permitted areas.
This
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 would reduce the annoyance to others and might be an acceptable code of conduct in the opinion of a majority of
people
Use synonyms
.
Although
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 traditional ideas of consideration for others have fallen by the wayside, talking loudly on a mobile phone in public is selfish and thoughtless. In conclusion,
while
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 I would agree that the
use
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 of mobile
phones
Use synonyms
 in public should be restricted, a general ban would be too extreme a measure to try to impose.

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task response
For task response, make your main view even more direct in the first paragraph. Say clearly that you partly agree, because this helps the reader at once.
task response
For task response, add one more specific example for places where phones should be allowed. This would make your ideas more full.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, your ideas are in a clear order, but some long sentences are a little hard to follow. Use a few shorter sentences.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, link the idea in paragraph 3 more clearly to your main view. This would make the whole essay feel even tighter.
task response
For task response, you answer the question fully and show a clear view all the way through the essay.
task response
For task response, your examples are relevant and help support your points well.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, the essay has a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, the paragraphing is strong and the ideas move in a logical way.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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