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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

In many parts of the world, women study science and technology but do not work in these fields. What are the problems women face? What solutions can be taken to encourage women to work in science and technology?

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Globally, many
women
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 with an educational background in science and
technology
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 ended up in a different career path outside of their studies.
This
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 essay will discuss the challenges these
women
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 faced,
such
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 as inequality and underestimation and will address the solutions, including encouraging
women
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's promotion
as well as
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 an inclusive environment in the workplace. One of the most significant issues that
women
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 face in the science and
technology
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 industry is gender disparity.
This
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 is because these industries are usually dominated by male workers.
For instance
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, a recent study in Indonesia found that there are only 26% of
women
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 working in the tech field, which makes jobs related to
technology
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 viewed as a "man's job".
In addition
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,
women
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 usually avoid working in a male-dominated industry as they are usually undervalued.
In other words
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,
women
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 are often considered less technically proficient than men in society.
Therefore
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, they are afraid of experiencing subtle forms of bias,
such
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 as having their ideas dismissed at work.
However
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, one of the ways to resolve
this
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 problem is to promote more
women
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 employees in leadership positions. By doing
this
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, there will be more female role models and
women
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 may get more motivation to pursue careers in the
technology
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 or science industry.
Moreover
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, offices should try to create inclusive environments and promote gender equality within organizations.
For example
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, when a company apply equal pay policies for both genders, it will give a sense of inclusion for females as they feel that the company promote fairness.
Consequently
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, they will feel more secure and welcome in these industries. In summary,
while
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women
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 might be capable of working in STEM or
technology
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, problems
such
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 as unfairness and fear of getting unappreciated may affect their career decisions.
Nevertheless
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, these problems can be addressed if more companies give equal opportunities and create a supportive environment for
women
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.

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task achievement
Consider adding more data or studies from different regions to support your points and strengthen the arguments.
task achievement
Maintain the focus on the specific problems and solutions throughout the essay to enhance clarity and depth.
coherence cohesion
Use more transitional phrases to ensure an even smoother flow between points.
task achievement
The essay effectively addresses both the problems and solutions, providing a balanced discussion.
coherence cohesion
The points are logically structured with a clear introduction, development of ideas, and conclusion.
coherence cohesion
Use of specific examples, such as the Indonesia study, strengthens the argument and relevance.
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