IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Teenagers are facing more problems these days as compared to old days. The reason is that parents are spending less time at home. Agree or Disagree.

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In a modern
society
Add a comma
society,
show examples
teenagers
Use synonyms
 can come across various hardships, which lead to
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
tragic consequences. Some people think that the main
reason
Use synonyms
 for
this
Linking Words
 is parents, who spend less time with children at home. I completely disagree with
this
Linking Words
 statement and think that
globalization
Change the spelling
globalisation
show examples
 is the most common
reason
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 for
such
Linking Words
 a horrible problem. On the one hand, parents play a key role in
child's
Correct article usage
a child's
show examples
 life. They bring
up him
Correct word order
him up
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, teach
how
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him how
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 to communicate with other people and provide
with
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him with
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the
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apply
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moral values.
However
Linking Words
, when
childreen
Correct your spelling
children
 grow up,
he or she
Correct pronoun usage
they
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 will need
independense
Correct your spelling
independence
 in their choices. Obviously, sometimes
this
Linking Words
 leads to negative consequences, but they are
also
Linking Words
 part of a life experience.
Therefore
Linking Words
, the process of separation is a significant element in building
strong
Correct article usage
a strong
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 personality. In
this
Linking Words
 case, spending less time with
teenagers
Use synonyms
 is a common feature, which cannot increase the danger in their lives.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
global
Correct article usage
the global
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internent
Correct your spelling
internet
 has
horrible
Correct article usage
a horrible
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 impact on
teenager's
Check wording
teenagers'
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 lives.
Use synonyms
Internet
Correct article usage
The Internet
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 provides them with
ability
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the ability
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 to find out dangerous
thinks
Use the right word
things
show examples
 like drugs or something like
this
Linking Words
.
While
Linking Words
 in the past it was
hard
Correct article usage
a hard
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 task to achieve, now, everyone can find all
needed
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the needed
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 information via the
internet
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.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
government
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the government
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 or
police
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the police
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 cannot cope with
such
Linking Words
 a problem because of absolute anonymity in
internet
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.
In addition
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,
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internet
Correct article usage
the internet
show examples
 can be used in order to deceive
teenagers
Use synonyms
 or steal personal information, which was impossible before.
To sum up
Linking Words
, I disagree with the statement that spending less time with
teenagers
Use synonyms
 can be a
reason
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 for growing problems.
Moreover
Linking Words
, I think
an
Correct article usage
the
show examples
internet
Use synonyms
 is one of the main
Use synonyms
reason
Fix the agreement mistake
reasons
show examples
 why
teenagers
Use synonyms
 have more issues now.

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task response
Make your main idea more clear from the start. You say you disagree, and that is good, but explain more why parents are not the main cause.
task response
Add one or two real and clear examples. This will make your ideas stronger and easier to trust.
task response
Some ideas are too general, like 'globalization' and 'internet is horrible'. Explain these points in a more full way.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, body, and end. Keep this shape.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with more care. Some are good, but a few sentences do not connect in a smooth way.
coherence and cohesion
Check pronouns and noun forms. For example, you move from 'child' to 'children' to 'he or she' in a way that can confuse the reader.
task response
You answer the question and give a clear opinion: you disagree.
task response
You include both sides and then show your own view.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two body parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Paragraphing is clear and easy to follow.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • pervasive influence
  • moderated by
  • family dynamics
  • dual-income households
  • demands of work
  • neglect of
  • emotional and developmental needs
  • risky behaviors
  • substance abuse
  • seek attention and validation
  • broader societal
  • economic and technological factors
  • mitigate issues
  • prioritizing quality time
  • open lines of communication
  • actively participating
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