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Writing Samples
Band 6

THE CHART BELOW SHOWS THE PLACES VISITED BY DIFFERENT PEOPLE LIVING IN AUSTRALIA

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The bar chart illustrates the percentages of three groups of
people
Use synonyms
 living in
Australia
Use synonyms
, the
Punctuation problem
:
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people
Use synonyms
 born in
Australia
Use synonyms
, new
migrants
Use synonyms
 from English-speaking
countries
Use synonyms
, and new
migrants
Use synonyms
 from other
countries
Use synonyms
 ,who visited the zoo, library,
theatre
Use synonyms
 and
cinema
Use synonyms
.
Overall
Linking Words
, the
cinema
Use synonyms
 was the most popular place for all groups,
while
Linking Words
 the
theatre
Use synonyms
 was the least popular. There were some differences between the groups, especially in visiting the library. About 70% of
people
Use synonyms
 born in
Australia
Use synonyms
 went to the
cinema
Use synonyms
. The percentage for new
migrants
Use synonyms
 from English-speaking
countries
Use synonyms
 was about 65%,
while
Linking Words
migrants
Use synonyms
 from other
countries
Use synonyms
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
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 lower, at around 50%. The zoo was
also
Linking Words
 visited by many
people
Use synonyms
. Around 50% of English-speaking
migrants
Use synonyms
 went there, compared with 40% of Australian-born
people
Use synonyms
 and 35% of other
migrants
Use synonyms
. For the library,
migrants
Use synonyms
 from other
countries
Use synonyms
 had the highest percentage, at about 55%. The figures for Australian-born
people
Use synonyms
 and English-speaking
migrants
Use synonyms
 were lower, at around 37% and 40%. The
theatre
Use synonyms
 had the lowest numbers. Only about 10% of
migrants
Use synonyms
 from other
countries
Use synonyms
 visited it,
while
Linking Words
 the numbers for Australian-born
people
Use synonyms
 and English-speaking
migrants
Use synonyms
 were 20% and 25%. In conclusion, the
cinema
Use synonyms
 was the favourite place for
people
Use synonyms
 in
Australia
Use synonyms
, but the
theatre
Use synonyms
 was not very popular.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Basic structure: Change the fifth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words people, australia, migrants, countries, theatre, cinema with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentages" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fifth paragraph.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • visit, place, people, chart, compare, more, less, most, least, number
  • popular, common, main, highest, lowest, similar, different, group, rate, figure
  • go to, spend time, travel to, stay in, live in, look at, show, rise, fall, remain
  • park, beach, shop, city, home, school, work, area, center, street
  • young people, old people, adults, children, family, friends, workers, visitors
  • slightly more, much more, far less, about the same, close to, higher than, lower than
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