Many people believe that Art is a subject which is not necessary and should be removed from the school. The belief is that the money should be spent on creating more I.T. courses and buying computers. To what extent do you agree?

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Many people have an opinion that teaching
Art
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in school is not effective, and
governments
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should focus more on supporting I.T training courses and purchase more computers. Others believe that
Art
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is necessary to upgrade human life and support the social community. I partly agree with the view because
Art
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is important for society, but
governments
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also
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should focus on investment in new
technology
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. On the one hand,
Governments
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should support teaching
Art
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into school.
Art
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plays a crucial role in forming cultural identity.
Art
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can help bring out inspiration and enhance creativity for Kids.
In addition
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,
art
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supports education in special needs by providing a non-verbal outlet for expression and building confidence. Studies have shown that students engaged in the arts perform better academically and exhibit higher levels of cooperation.
As a result
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, the economic impact of
Art
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significantly contributes through various channels.
Art
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galleries and cultural events, museum and
Art
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in public spaces all attract a lot of people led to high local income.
Therefore
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, studying
Art
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is important for future generations.
On the other hand
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,
governments
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can
also
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bring more benefits by introducing modern
technology
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.
For example
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, Schools may train the individuals and help them develop useful professional skills.
As well as
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,
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apply
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increasing the number of computers that are available in the schools will empower the communication skills.
Accordingly
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,
this
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can improve the quality of the young people in future and make the economy more competitive. In conclusion, I partially agree that
governments
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should focus on encouraging
ART
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teaching, as it’s important for cultural and community
.
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development.
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However
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, supporting
technology
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should not be rejected completely because it can bring investment, jobs and new knowledge.
Therefore
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,
governments
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should try to support both
Art
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and
Technology
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in a balanced way.

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task response
Make your main answer more clear from the start. Say exactly how much you agree, and keep this same idea in all parts.
task response
Add one or two more clear examples to support each main point. This will make your ideas stronger.
task response
Explain the link to the question more directly. Some ideas are good, but they need a clearer reason for why art should stay in school.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer topic sentences at the start of each body paragraph so the reader can follow your plan easily.
coherence and cohesion
Connect ideas more smoothly. Some linking words are used, but a few are not natural, like 'As well as' at the start of a sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Keep each paragraph focused on one main idea. In the first body paragraph, there are many ideas, so it feels a little crowded.
task response
You answer both sides of the topic and give your own view.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Most ideas are easy to follow, and the order is logical.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example
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