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Writing Samples
Band 2.5

Nowadays parents are sending their children to trips abroad for educational purpose. What are the advantages and disadvantages of it?

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These days
sending
Punctuation problem
, sending
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children
Use synonyms
 abroad for education is a widely discussed topic.
Linking Words
while
Capitalize the word
While
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 some people believe that it has benefits, others argue that it will harm them.
This
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 essay will analyse
this
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 topic from both views and express my opinion. On
one
Correct article usage
the one
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 hand,
children
Use synonyms
 will be independent and more responsible.
In other words
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, they will do their chores and tasks,
also
Linking Words
 financially independent.
In
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addition
Add a comma
addition,
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 they discover new traditions and cultures and become more extroverted.
For example
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, they make new friendships and visit various places.
On the other hand
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, it may be dangerous
traveling
Wrong verb form
to travel
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 alone to
new
Correct article usage
a new
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 place without adult supervision . It
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also
Verb problem
is also
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 possible to say, child may get kidnapped or even robbed.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
 could face emotional challenges.
For instance
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, they will face
new
Correct article usage
a new
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 life by themselves with a lot of responsibilities ,
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also
Correct word choice
and
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 they miss their families, friends ,and past routine. In conclusion, there are no easy answers to
this
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 question.
on
Capitalize the word
On
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 balance,
however
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, I tend to believe that studying abroad for
children
Use synonyms
 is
great
Correct article usage
a great
show examples
 chance to improve their personality and discover new communities.

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task response
Answer both sides more fully. You talk about good and bad points, but some ideas are short.
task response
Give clearer examples. Your example about making friends is good, but you need one more real and clear example.
task response
Explain your opinion more. In the end, you say it is a great chance, but say why this side is stronger.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer links between ideas. Words like 'First', 'Also', 'However', and 'As a result' can help.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence order and form. Some lines are hard to follow because of missing words or wrong form.
coherence and cohesion
Make each main point longer. One clear idea with support is better than many short ideas.
task response
You answer both parts of the question: good points and bad points.
coherence and cohesion
You have an introduction, two body parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Your main ideas are easy to see.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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