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Band 6

Some believe that violent computer games are just a form of entertainment, while others think they lead directly to violent behavior. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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In
this
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 modern era, it is undeniable that technology has been influencing people behavior different ways. Some individuals believe that violent computer
games
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 are making
children
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 aggressive,
while
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 others believe they play them for entertainment. I believe that
games
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 are like fun for
children
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, and my position is argued
further
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 with an explanation. On the one hand, violent
games
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 help
children
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 to relieve their daily life
stress
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 and focus on their
studies
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. To elaborate,
children
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 usually feel
stress
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 from their
studies
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, and they need something where they can release their
stress
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.
Thus
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, by playing these kinds of
games
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, folks can relax their body and enhance their concentration on their
studies
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.
For instance
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, as per a recent report, during the COVID-19 pandemic,
children
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 had played a number of violent
games
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 at home , but when they started their
studies
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 after COVID-19, their performance was better than before.
Therefore
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, violent
games
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 make learners more intellectually strong.
On the other hand
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, aggressive
games
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 lead
children
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 to do illegal things in their lives because they start learning about guns and other illegal things through
games
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, and to create that environment in reality, they start committing violence. To elaborate, folks adapt their habits faster in young age, and when they start playing violent
games
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, they start thinking these things are normal in real life.
As a result
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, they start committing crimes in real life for fun.
For example
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, one of my cousins was caught by police for trying to hurt one of my friends after playing the GTA game , where he was trying to hurt in the same way as in GTA.
Hence
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, violent
games
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 could change the
children
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's behaviour. In conclusion, some
children
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 play
games
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 for fun,
while
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 other
children
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's behaviour could be changed badly after playing violent
games
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. In my opinion, violent
games
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 help
children
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 release their
stress
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 related to study and work

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task response
Answer both sides more fully. Your view is clear, but the bad side needs more careful detail.
task response
Add a stronger opinion in the end. Now your last line is short and not fully finished.
task response
Use examples that sound more general and more real. One personal story is okay, but one strong public example would help more.
coherence and cohesion
Put your ideas in a cleaner order. Some lines repeat the same point about stress and fun.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with more care, like 'however', 'for example', and 'therefore', so the flow feels smoother.
coherence and cohesion
Make each body paragraph hold one clear main idea, then explain it, then give one example.
task response
You discuss both views and you give your own opinion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task response
You use examples to support your ideas.
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