IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Should parents be obliged to immunise their children against common childhood diseases? Or do individuals have the right to choese not to immunise their children? What is your view of this practice?

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Immunization
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Immunisation
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 should be an important topic of discussion, and parents should be adequately informed about the effectiveness of immunising
kids
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.
While
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 it is important to have the choice not to immunise your
children
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, it is crucial for
guardians
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 to know how important it is for
guardians
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 to fight against any childhood diseases. In
this
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 essay, I will be elaborating on my view, examining both aspects. I believe that
while
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 we cannot force
guardians
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 to adhere to
this
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 practice of
kids
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 getting immunised, it will be effective to create an awareness program, elaborating on the importance and how
this
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 preventive measure can save the
kids
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 from future ailments, which can promote informed decisions by the parents.
However
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, individuals could
also
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 have the right to determine not to embark; reasons could potentially be that, from past experiences of
children
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 wrongly immunised by unprofessional medical personnel, have caused a scare in the mental health of
guardians
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, and
as a result
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, they choose not to comply with the processes.
For example
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, there have been experiences of so many individuals losing their legs, hands, and a host of other ailments, which were a result of wrong doses administered by the medical team.
While
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 I understand that
guardians
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 should not be forced to get their wards immunised, I believe the goverment with joint efforts of medical professionals in respect to
this
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, can create more knowledge and ensure the medical teams are properly given the right training. There should be measures put in place to ensure
guardians
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 understand what they stand to lose or gain.
To conclude
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,
although
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guardians
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 should have the right to make a decision in their
children
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's upbringing, I believe that
children
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 getting immunised should be compulsory.
This
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 policy not only protects the
kids
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 but
also
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 the community, making it a public health measure.

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task response
Answer both sides more clearly. You talk about choice and duty, but your own view should stay clear from start to end.
task response
Give stronger support for each main point. Add one clear reason and one simple example for each body paragraph.
task response
Your example is relevant, but it is too general. Use a more direct and believable example.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, body, and end. This helps the reader follow your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Some ideas repeat, such as guardians knowing the importance. Try to say each point once and develop it more.
coherence and cohesion
Some linking is weak. Use simple links like first, however, for example, and therefore in the right place.
task response
You introduce the topic and give your view.
task response
You discuss both sides of the question.
coherence and cohesion
You have an introduction and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Most paragraphs have one main idea.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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