Some people think that there are benefits in going to private secondary schools. Others feel that private schools can have negative effects on the society. Discuss both the view and give your opinion?

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There is an ongoing debate on private secondary
schools
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. A certain number of individuals consider them beneficial,
whereas
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others claim that they may shape society negatively.
This
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essay will examine both perspectives;
however
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, I firmly believe that private secondary
schools
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offer significant advantages. In terms of quality education, private secondary
schools
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provide a curriculum based on modern methods and technology. Since these institutions operate on a private budget collected from parents as tuition fees, they are able to regularly update their curriculum and facilities,
such
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as accommodation and equipment needed for music, art, and sports classes. These opportunities potentially guarantee pupils the chance to become students at prestigious universities.
Furthermore
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, parents whose children study at a private secondary school may feel that their children are safe and that their future will be bright. To illustrate, in Uzbekistan, there are private
schools
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specialised
in particular
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subjects, and they have already shown remarkable results, with their students entering top universities
such
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as Harvard, Stanford, Oxford, and Cambridge.
Thus
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, private secondary
schools
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can develop a community because they raise future leaders and great scientists. Even so, these kinds of
schools
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can
also
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pose a critical threat to society. Since private secondary
schools
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are not free, not everyone can afford them.
Consequently
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,
this
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increases the gap between social classes, which may cause discrimination against the middle and lower classes.
Therefore
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, the government should allocate its economic and technological resources to improving public
schools
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to provide children from low-income families with a better and free education.
To sum up
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, I firmly believe that private secondary
schools
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are essential for the community
due to
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their specialised environment.
Nevertheless
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, authorities ought to regulate them and invest in public
schools
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in order to give equal opportunities to those who cannot afford private education.

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task response
Make your second view more full. You explain the good side more than the bad side.
task response
Use the exact task words more clearly. Say how private schools help society and how they hurt society.
task response
Give one more clear example for the bad side, not only a general idea about rich and poor.
coherence and cohesion
Some links are good, but a few ideas move too fast. Add a short line to connect school quality with social results.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each body paragraph. This will make your points easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Check small word choice like 'develop a community' because it sounds unclear. Use a simpler clear phrase.
task response
You answer both views and give your opinion clearly.
task response
Your example about schools in Uzbekistan is clear and strong.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two body parts, and a clear end.
coherence and cohesion
You use link words like 'furthermore', 'consequently', and 'to sum up' well.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example
Topic Vocabulary:
  • smaller classes
  • better facilities
  • high-quality teaching
  • safe environment
  • strong academic results
  • personal attention
  • social inequality
  • education gap
  • equal chance
  • rich and poor
  • sense of fairness
  • public schools
  • private education
  • government support
  • benefit society
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