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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people belive that watching tv is bad for children while others claim that it has positive effects for children as they grow up. Discuss both view and give your opinion.

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The issue of exposing young
children
Use synonyms
 to TV has generated significant debate among stakeholders and the public alike.
While
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 some argue that it entails various drawbacks, others maintain that it offers substantial benefits to society. In my opinion, the merits of
this
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 phenomenon outweigh its demerits.
This
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 essay will discuss both the educational advantages of screen time and the physical health risks associated with it. On one hand, there are several compelling reasons why permitting
children
Use synonyms
 to watch television can be viewed as a positive development. First and foremost, it may help them to develop their creativity.
Additionally
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, it allows parents to have another source of education
besides
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 schools.
For instance
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, empirical evidence suggests that
children
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 from 2 to 6 years old have better cognitive skills when they are exposed to age-appropriate learning programs from a young age.
On the other hand
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, critics often point out that television addiction remains a crucial concern. Primarily, excessive screen time can trigger dopamine spikes in
children
Use synonyms
, reinforcing addictive
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
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.
Furthermore
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,
this
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 sedentary habit often replaces active play, potentially leading to physical health issues
such
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 as childhood obesity and eye impairment.
Consequently
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, if not managed carefully, these health concerns can have detrimental effects on early development. In conclusion,
although
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 watching TV presents certain challenges, its educational influence on contemporary society cannot be ignored. I am convinced that the positives exceed the negatives. Moving forward, it is essential for parents and educators to find a balance between
utilizing
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utilising
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 quality media to support childhood development and addressing the potential risks associated with screen addiction.

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task response
Write both sides in a more equal way. Your view about the good side is clear, but the bad side needs one more full idea.
task response
Give a more direct opinion in the middle body too, not only in the introduction and conclusion.
task response
Use a more exact example. The line about children from 2 to 6 years old is helpful, but it needs a clear source or a more real case.
coherence and cohesion
Keep your main idea of each paragraph very clear. The second body paragraph is strong, but the first body paragraph mixes creativity and education.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words carefully. Some are good, but a few ideas move too fast and need one more sentence between them.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure each main point is fully explained before you move to the next one.
task response
You answer all parts of the question and give your opinion clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
The paragraph order is easy to follow.
task response
You use one example to support your point about learning from TV.
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