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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graph shows the number of people taking part in 4 kinds of sports in a The Particular region between 1985 and 2005.

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The line graph illustrates
children
Check wording
children's
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 spending in 4 kinds of sports in a
The Particular
Correct determiner usage
particular
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 region between 1985 and 2005.
Overall
Linking Words
, rugby had the highest
number
Use synonyms
 of sports,
while
Linking Words
 tennis was the second
Use synonyms
number
Correct word choice
highest number
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 of sports over the period
,
Punctuation problem
;
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on the other hand
Linking Words
, basketball and badminton showed the lowest point and started period. AT the beginning,rugby started at about 230
million
Use synonyms
 in 1985 and decreased gradually to reach 200
thousands
Check wording
thousand
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 in 1995, it decreased significantly to 150
Use synonyms
number
Check wording
thousand
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 in 2000 and reached the lowest figure in 2005.
Linking Words
in
Capitalize the word
In
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 contrast, tennis started at around 150
million
Use synonyms
 in 1985 and increased sharply to 210
million
Use synonyms
un
Change preposition
in
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 2000
, it
Punctuation problem
. It
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 remained relatively constant from 2000 to 2005 .
basketball
Capitalize the word
Basketball
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 and badminton,
on the other hand
Linking Words
,
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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started relatively steadily.
basketball
Capitalize the word
Basketball
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 was 50
million
Use synonyms
 in 1985, it stayed constants
number
Use synonyms
 throughout the year.
badminton
Capitalize the word
Badminton
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 was approxiamtely to 50 in 1985 and fell to almost 49 thousands 1990
,
Punctuation problem
;
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 it remained fairly stable over the period.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "on the other hand".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words number, million with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "decreased" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "reach" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "remained" was used 2 times.
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