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Writing Samples
Band 6

MamadjonovSamandar: The graph below shows four countries of residence pf overseas students in Australia. Summarize the information ba selecting and reporting the main features, and make make comparisons where relevant

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The line chart compares
proportion
Correct article usage
the proportion
show examples
 of overseas
students
Use synonyms
 in Australia
live
Wrong verb form
living
show examples
 in four
various
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
countries.
Overall
Linking Words
, it can be seen that all countries increased over the period.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, Indonesia overtook
Hong
Use synonyms
Kong
Use synonyms
 as the
country
Use synonyms
that
Correct pronoun usage
where
show examples
 the most
students
Use synonyms
 lived,
while
Linking Words
 Singapore became the second place where the most people lived
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
at the end
Linking Words
 of the period.
Firstly
Linking Words
, there weren't any
students
Use synonyms
 in Indonesia at the beginning of the timeline,
whereas
Linking Words
 it
drammatically
Correct your spelling
dramatically
 grew and passed
Hong
Use synonyms
Kong
Use synonyms
, after
was
Correct pronoun usage
which it was
show examples
 overtook by
Hong
Use synonyms
Kong
Use synonyms
, and became the number one
country
Use synonyms
 that has the most residents, and reached nearly 22%.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
students
Use synonyms
 didn't live
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 Singapore either at
first,
Linking Words
and
then
Linking Words
, it gradually increased. After had passed 10%, it overtook
Hong
Use synonyms
Kong
Use synonyms
 and Malaysia, and rose to 20%.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, no
students
Use synonyms
 lived in
Hong
Use synonyms
Kong
Use synonyms
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
 it sharply increased and passed Indonesia and grew to 10%. After that, it remained steady for a
while
Linking Words
,
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
reached
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 peak 20%
and
Punctuation problem
and,
show examples
 fell again and reached under-20%.
In contrast
Linking Words
, Malaysia was the first
country
Use synonyms
,
it
Correct word choice
and it
show examples
 stayed at approximately 10% for a
while
Linking Words
, and was passed by other countries.
Finally
Linking Words
, it relatively increased and saw nearly 18% and became the
last
Linking Words
country
Use synonyms
at the end
Linking Words
.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "at the end, while".
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words students, hong, kong, country with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "reached" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "nearly" was used 2 times.
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