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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people say that parents have more important roles to play in children development.However, others argue that friends and television have the most significant influence. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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There is an ongoing debate about whether
parents
Use synonyms
 play a more important role
is
Change preposition
in
show examples
Use synonyms
children
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’s
development
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 or
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friends
Correct word choice
whether friends
show examples
 and
television
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 have the most significant impact.
Linking Words
while
Capitalize the word
While
show examples
friends
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 and
television
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 can have a positive impact on
Use synonyms
children
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’s personal and professional
growth
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, I firmly believe that
parents
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 contribute significantly to
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children
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’s long-term
development
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. Supporters of
parents
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 claim that they enable
children
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 to develop their essential life
skills
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,
such
Linking Words
 as critical thinking, problem-solving, communication and creativity by encouraging them to participate actively in various activities
such
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 as household chores and thinking independently.
As a result
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, these
skills
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 act as catalysts for their personal and social
development
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.
In addition
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,
parents
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 provide
children
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 with valuable lessons about different aspects of life and guidance to solve their problems more efficiently, broadening their horizons.
For example
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,
parents
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 teach
children
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 how to communicate with others respectfully in social settings, helping them improve their communication
skills
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.
Consequently
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, they can exchange their ideas and thoughts easily with others, which can deepen their knowledge and
see
Verb problem
help them see
show examples
 the world from other perspectives.
Thus
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,
parents
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 play fundamental roles in
Use synonyms
children’
Check wording
children’s
show examples
development
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.
On the other hand
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, critics argue that
friends
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 and
television
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 are more likely to play a significant role in
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children
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’s
growth
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.
Television
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 allows
children
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 to broaden their understanding of various subjects,
such
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 as history, which can help them develop a better knowledge of different cultures, traditions, and customs, which can improve their communication and critical thinking
skills
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.
Similarly
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,
friends
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 share similar interests, particularly in fields
such
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 as technology, which can help
children
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 to improve their technological
skills
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highly
Punctuation problem
, highly
show examples
 valued in today’s digital world.
For example
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,
children
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 by sharing their understanding of computer science with their peers develop their digital
skills
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 and become more
master
Replace the word
masterful
 in the field, fostering their personal and professional
growth
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.
Hence
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,
friends
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 and
television
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 can
also
Linking Words
 lay the foundation for
Use synonyms
children
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’s
growth
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.
To sum up
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,
form
Use the right word
from
show examples
 my perspective,
while
Linking Words
friends
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 and
television
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 can help
children
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 develop their practical
skills
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while
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 gaining deeper knowledge of sciences,
parents
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 are more likely to play an indispensable role in
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children
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’s
development
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 because they provide them with real-life experience and valuable guidance to reinforce their interpersonal
skills
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.

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task response
Score: 7. To reach 8, explain your ideas in a more direct and full way. For example, say why parents have a stronger effect than friends and TV over many years.
task response
Some points are too broad. TV may teach history, but explain how this leads to better thinking or better talk with other people.
task response
Your examples fit the topic, but make them more real and clear. For example, describe a child who learns to solve a problem at home with a parent’s help.
coherence and cohesion
Score: 7. Your order is clear, but some long sentences have too many ideas. Break them into two shorter sentences so the reader can follow them more easily.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid saying the same idea many times. You often use “growth”, “development”, and “skills”. Add one new point or a clearer example instead.
coherence and cohesion
Check small form errors because they can stop a smooth read: “children’s development”, not “children development”; “From my perspective”, not “form my perspective”; and start “While” with a capital letter.
task response
You discuss both sides and give your own view clearly. Your view is the same in the start and the end.
task response
Your main ideas are on topic: parents teach life skills, while friends and TV can add knowledge and skills.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear four-part plan: start, parents, friends and TV, and end.
coherence and cohesion
You use linking words well, such as “As a result”, “In addition”, “Similarly”, and “To sum up”.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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