IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Many people today are moving from small villages to the big cities. Give the reasons why people do this and give some problems it might cause

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Many
people
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 nowadays move from small villages to big cities. There are some
reasons
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 why they do
this
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 and some
problems
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 that might cause
.
Correct pronoun usage
it.
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This
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 essay will examine the
reasons
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 and
problems
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 that it causes. On the one hand, there are several
reasons
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 why
people
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 move from small villages to big cities.
First,
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moving from a village to a
city
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 offers more employment opportunities.
For example
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, individuals can have different types of jobs and higher salaries. More money means a better life.
Second,
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the
city
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 offers a variety of education. There are both pubic and private schools available.
Also
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, it is easier to find tutors in the
city
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.
Finally
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, the
city
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 offers much more health care. There are several hospitals and multiple clinics.
Also
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, there are more specialised doctors for every issue.
However
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,
on the other hand
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, there are several
problems
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 that
this
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 can lead to.
First,
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overcrowding is a huge problem. There are more
people
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 than available houses.
This
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 leads to a large number of
people
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 living in a small area. New arrivals to the
city
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 may not be able to find affordable housing. Second, an increase in the
city
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 population will cause inflation. There will be an increase in demand for everything, from clothes to groceries.
This
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 could
also
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 affect the rental rates as there will be more
people
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 looking for apartments.
Finally
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,
this
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 can
also
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 lead to an increase in waste.
For instance
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, more
people
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 will create rubbish, which makes it difficult to keep the
city
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 clean and protect the environment.
In addition
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,
this
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 causes the
city
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 to have more litter. In conclusion, it is clear to see that
people
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 move to the
city
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 for many
reasons
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.
However
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, it is obvious that
this
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 can create many
problems
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.

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Task response
Overall task response: 6. Your ideas are on topic and you cover the full task. To reach 7, explain each main idea more fully. For example, say why city jobs pay more, or how more people can make rent go up.
Task response
Some points are too close in meaning. “More money means a better life” needs a fuller reason or a real example. You could say that higher pay helps people pay for food, school, and health care.
Task response
Your examples are mostly general. Add one short, clear example in each body part. This will make your answer stronger and more real.
Coherence and cohesion
Overall coherence and cohesion: 6. Your paragraph plan is good, but some links are not smooth. Do not use both “On the one hand” and “However, on the other hand” here. Use simple paragraph starts such as “There are three main reasons” and “This move can also cause problems.”
Coherence and cohesion
Use fewer repeated words. You repeat “city”, “more people”, and “this can lead to” many times. Use simple changes such as “urban areas”, “new people”, “this may cause”, or “as a result.”
Coherence and cohesion
Keep each point in one clear order: main idea, why it happens, then example or result. This will make the body paragraphs easier to read.
Coherence and cohesion
Make the ending more exact. Name the main reasons and problems again in one short sentence, rather than saying only “many reasons” and “many problems.”
Task response
You answer both parts of the question: why people move, and what problems this may cause.
Task response
Your main ideas are clear: jobs, schools, and health care; then homes, prices, and waste.
Coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an ending.
Coherence and cohesion
Words such as “First”, “Second”, “Finally”, and “For example” help the reader follow your ideas.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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