IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

In many countries, childhood obesity is a growing problem. What are the reasons for this and what can individuals and governments do to tackle the problem? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

In today’s world,
childhood
Use synonyms
obesity
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 has become a serious issue across many countries, and there is an ongoing debate about who should take responsibility for addressing it.
While
Linking Words
 some people argue that
governments
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 must play the leading role, others believe that it is mainly an individual matter. In my opinion, both
governments
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 and individuals have important roles to play in tackling
this
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 growing problem. One major reason for
childhood
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obesity
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 is the increasing consumption of fast
food
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 and sugary drinks, which are often cheaper and more accessible than healthy meals.
For example
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 ,many
children
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 spend long hours playing computer and online games.
While
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 playing, they often eat snacks, do not move enough, and
as a result
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, they gain weight. Parents should encourage their
children
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 to participate in sports and limit their screen time.
Governments
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also
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 play an important role in reducing
childhood
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obesity
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 by creating rules and providing support for healthy lifestyles.
Children
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 spend most of their time in school, which means they learn many things, including eating habits and social behaviour. The government should encourage schools to teach
children
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 about healthy lifestyles, including proper nutrition and exercise.
Moreover
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, the government can introduce strict rules to control unhealthy
food
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,
such
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 as putting higher taxes on sugary drinks and fast
food
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. In conclusion,
childhood
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obesity
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 results from poor eating habits and a lack of physical activity.
While
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governments
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 can regulate
food
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 industries and schools, parents must
also
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 guide their
children
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 towards healthier lifestyles.
Therefore
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, both individuals and
governments
Use synonyms
 must work together to tackle
this
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 issue effectively.

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task response
Your view is clear and you show both sides. Strengthen your answer by giving more solid details and specific facts or examples.
coherence
The essay has a good plan with intro, body and conclusion. Keep this structure and add more depth to each point.
grammar
Some sentences are long or hard to read. Use shorter sentences to improve clarity.
coherence
Use simple linking words to show the order of ideas: first, then, also, but, finally.
content
Give one or two strong examples or facts to back up each point.
content
Clear position and answer to the question
structure
Well organised with introduction, body and conclusion
coherence
Good use of linking words and topic sentences
content
Relevant ideas about policy and personal action

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • childhood obesity
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • balanced diet
  • fast food
  • sugary snacks
  • physical activity
  • nutrition education
  • health campaigns
  • public health initiatives
  • government regulations
  • home-cooked meals
  • extracurricular sports
  • digital entertainment
  • sedentary behavior
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