IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Successful sports professionals can earn a great deal more than other people in important professions. Some people think this is fully justified while others think it is unfair. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. Discuss both views and give your opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own experience or knowledge.

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It is increasingly common nowadays that athletes earn more than individuals working in essential sectors
such
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 as health and education.
While
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 some people believe it is fair and justified, others firmly hold the view that it is unfair.
This
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 essay will discuss both viewpoints
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 my personal opinion will be presented. On one hand, proponents of the high finances
excelled
Correct pronoun usage
that excelled
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 athletes
receive
Verb problem
apply
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often point to the concept of working
smarter
Punctuation problem
smarter,
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 not harder.
In other words
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, salaries these days are not measured by social effect or the value of the occupation, but by the revenue a particular athlete generates for companies.
In addition
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, the substantial earnings are considered
a
Correct article usage
apply
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compensation for social isolation because being a famous
sport
Check wording
sports
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 professional means it is impossible to enjoy public facilities comfortably.
For instance
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, Cristiano Ronaldo once said in an interview with a media channel that he relies on online shopping because he would be annoyed by fans locally.
On the other hand
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, teachers and doctors provide higher benefits and values to the community than famous
sports people
Correct your spelling
sportspeople
, which is the primary reason why some individuals believe it is unfair for athletes to earn
such
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 a high income from advertisements and partnerships.
Moreover
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, the capital spent on football professionalists,
for example
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, could be invested in more valuable alternatives.
For instance
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, assisting low-income households to pursue education,
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also
Correct word choice
and
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 building medical centres in rural areas. In conclusion, despite both sides holding diverse perspectives. I believe that deals and financial profits
individuals
Correct word choice
that individuals
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 skilled in a specific sport gain
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 completely fair because they generate substantial income for sports firms

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task response
Estimated score: 5. You answer the main question, but your ideas need more detail. Explain more clearly why high pay is fair and why it is not fair.
task response
The first side has two ideas: money made for firms and loss of private life. Add how each point makes high pay fair.
task response
The second side is too short. Explain how teachers and doctors help many people, and why this may mean they should be paid more.
task response
Your examples are not fully developed. The Ronaldo example shows a problem with fame, but it does not strongly show why very high pay is fair. Add a clear link after the example.
task response
Your own view is given, but it comes very late. State it in the first part and repeat it in a full final sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are not complete. For example: “For instance, assisting low-income households...” This is not a full sentence. Write: “For example, this money could help low-income families pay for school and could build medical centres in rural areas.”
coherence and cohesion
The last paragraph starts with “despite”, but the sentence does not finish in the right way. Write: “In conclusion, although both views have good points, I believe...”
coherence and cohesion
Keep each paragraph focused on one main idea. In the first body part, explain money made by sport stars first, then add the point about private life with a clear link.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple links to show cause and result: “This is because...”, “As a result...”, and “Therefore...” These will make your ideas easier to follow.
task response
You discuss both sides and give your own view in the end.
task response
Your main point is clear: sport stars bring in a lot of money for firms.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an end.
coherence and cohesion
You use linking words such as “On one hand”, “On the other hand”, “Moreover”, and “For instance”.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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