IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Many children today are overweight. This is a serious health issue. Give the reasons for child obesity and give solutions to fix this problem.

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The world has greatly changed, and that includes the eating habits of
children
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. Many
children
Use synonyms
 today are in serious peril, as they are overweight. Child obesity is a serious health issue.
This
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 essay will give the reasons for
this
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 and provide solutions to solve
this
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 problem. On the one hand, there are many reasons for child obesity.
First,
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children
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 eat a great amount of junk
food
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.
This
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food
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 is high in calories and low in nutrition.
Furthermore
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,
this
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food
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 contains sugar and carbohydrates.
Second,
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children
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 spend most of their
time
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 on the internet. They watch
youtube
Capitalize the proper name
YouTube
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, play video games and scroll social media.
This
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 results in hours of no activity.
Children
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 lead a sedentary lifestyle.
Finally
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, one of the biggest problems is a lack of daily exercise. Most
children
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 are not playing sports. There is
harldy
Correct your spelling
hardly
 any movement in their life.
On the other hand
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, there are many effective solutions for fixing the child obesity problem.
First,
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the support of parents will be useful.
For example
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, preparing healthy
food
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 at home is important.
.
Punctuation problem
apply
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Moreover
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, knowing the portion size of every meal will be fantastic to manage weight.
Second,
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exercise will be terrific.
For example
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, doing fifteen to thirty minutes of exercise daily will be wonderful.
Also
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 parent should manage the screen
time
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, which will allow
time
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 for physical activities.
a
Correct article usage
apply
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Finally
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, the effective way to maintain healthy
children
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 is to take enough
time
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 to sleep.
For example
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,
children
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 who have eight hours of sleep can grow more than
children
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 who have less ,
according to
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 some sources. In conclusion, it is clear to see that there are multiple reasons responsible for
children
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 being overweight.
However
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, there are many solutions to address
this
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 serious problem.

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task response
Overall score: 6. Your answer is on topic and covers both questions. To get a higher score, explain each main idea more fully.
task response
Some ideas need a clearer link to child weight. For example, say that too much sugar and fat can make children gain weight.
task response
Your sleep point is not clear enough. Say how sleep can help children eat less junk food and have more energy to move.
task response
Use more exact examples. For example: parents can give fruit, water, and home-made meals instead of sweets, soft drinks, and fast food.
coherence and cohesion
Keep each paragraph focused on one main point. In the reasons paragraph, junk food, screen time, and no sport are close ideas, so show how they work together.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a natural way. You use many, but some sentences are very short. Join ideas with “because”, “so”, “while”, and “therefore”.
coherence and cohesion
Make the end a little stronger by naming the key reasons and key answers again, such as bad food, too much screen time, healthy meals, and daily activity.
coherence and cohesion
Check small errors that can stop the flow: “harldy” should be “hardly”; “parent” should be “parents”; remove the extra “a” before “Finally”; and remove the extra full stop after “important”.
task response
You answer both parts of the task: reasons and ways to help.
task response
Your main ideas are clear: junk food, screen time, little exercise, food at home, exercise, and sleep.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an end.
coherence and cohesion
Words such as “First”, “Second”, “Finally”, “For example”, and “In conclusion” help the reader follow your ideas.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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