Many people today leave the countryside and their small villages and move to the big city. Give reasons why people do this and give some problems it might cause

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In today's world,
people
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have changed their lifestyle. Many of them today leave the countryside and their small villages and
move
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to the big metropolis.
This
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essay will examine the reasons why
people
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make
this
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move
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and give some problems it might cause. On the one hand, there are many reasons for
people
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nowadays to leave the countryside and
move
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to the big
city
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.
First,
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there are terrific employment opportunities.
For
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example
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, many jobs are located in the downtown area of the big
city
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.
Also
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, there are more factories and services that need workers.
Second,
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there are more educational options. There are both public and private schools to choose from.
Also
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, there are colleges and universities that are convenient.
Finally
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, the fast availability of health care is important.
For
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example
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, there are a number of hospitals to choose from.
Also
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, there are clinics and private doctors who specialize is specific medicine.
On the other hand
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,
due to
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the massive demand for
city
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life , problems might arise.
First,
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the big
city
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will be crowded.
For
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example
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,there will be multiple traffic jams during rush hour , which effects peoples time.
Also
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, many car thefts take place, which creates feelings of insecurity.
Second,
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there are multiple types of pollution.
For
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example
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, cars, buses and trains create tremendous smoke.
In addition
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, there are few green spaces
due to
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the construction all over the
city
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.
Finally
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, living in the
city
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is expensive.
For
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example
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, renting an apartment in the
city
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costs more than in the countryside.
Also
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, buying groceries from the supermarket is more expensive. In conclusion, it is obvious to see that there are multiple reasons why
people
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move
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to the big
city
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.
However
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,
this
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also
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creates some serious problems.

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Task response
Overall score: 6. Your answer is clear and covers the full task, but some ideas need more detail. For example, say how city jobs may pay more or give people more chance to grow at work.
Task response
Some examples are too general. Instead of only saying there are hospitals, explain that city hospitals may have more staff, better tools, and doctors for hard health needs.
Task response
Keep each point closely linked to moving from villages. Car theft, for example, is less direct than housing pressure, long travel time, or not enough water and schools.
Coherence and cohesion
Your order is easy to follow, but many lines use the same pattern: point, “For example”, then “Also”. Join ideas in a more natural way.
Coherence and cohesion
Use fewer list words when you do not need them. This will make the writing feel less like notes and more like an essay.
Coherence and cohesion
Make links more exact. For example: “As more people move to cities, roads become full, so travel takes longer.” This clearly shows cause and result.
Task response
You answer both parts of the question: why people move, and what problems this can cause.
Task response
Your main ideas are clear: work, school, and health care are reasons; crowding, pollution, and high cost are problems.
Coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an end.
Coherence and cohesion
Words such as “First”, “Second”, “Finally”, “For example”, and “Also” help the reader follow your ideas.
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