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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

In many countries, young people are moving from rural areas to cities to work or study. Why is this happening? What are advantages or disadvantages of this trend?

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It is widely acknowledged that rather than staying in remote places, young
people
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 prefer moving to
cities
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 to
work
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 or study.
While
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 there are some disadvantages for countries, the advantages of living in
cities
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 for young adults,
such
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 as
work
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 opportunities and abundant study options, can be far greater than the drawbacks. On the one hand, one of the main advantages of moving to
cities
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 is that there is an enormous number of vacant positions and well-known universities in
cities
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,
while
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 rural places have limited opportunities for young adults, which in turn makes it easier to find a job and pursue an academic degree.
In addition
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,
cities
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 have well-developed entertainment options,
such
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 as cinemas, theatres, and shopping malls, allowing
people
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 to find a balance between
work
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 and social life.
Therefore
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,
cities
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 offer young
people
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 not only better career prospects but
also
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 a more fulfilling lifestyle
overall
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.
On the other hand
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, one of the main drawbacks of the wave of migration from remote areas to
cities
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 is that governments may face detrimental consequences in the long term.
This
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 is because
population
Correct article usage
the population
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 would increase in
cities
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, leading to environmental issues and economic problems. Since a dense population produce more waste and
consume
Correct subject-verb agreement
consumes
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 more energy, the air quality of
cities
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 would deteriorate. An excessive number of
people
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also
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 apply for the same job opportunities, reducing the probability of being hired. To illustrate, in China,
due to
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 the high population in
cities
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,
people
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 either
work
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 for very low salaries or cannot find a job at all.
This
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also
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 causes severe air pollution. In conclusion,
although
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 there are some drawbacks, I firmly maintain that the advantages of moving to
cities
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 outweigh these downsides because
cities
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 make young
people
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's lives easier in terms of jobs and studies, allowing them to not only go to their dream universities but
also
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work
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 at desired jobs.

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task response
Score: 7. Your answer is good, but the first question asks why young people move. You give the reasons, but you could make them more direct in the first body part. For example: “They move because cities have more jobs and more places to study.”
task response
Give a more even view of the trend. You say there are bad sides for countries, but you mostly explain bad sides in cities. Add one point about rural areas, such as: “Small towns may lose young workers, so farms and local schools may have fewer people.”
task response
Your China example is useful, but it is very broad. Make it more clear and careful. For example: “In some large Chinese cities, many young people compete for the same jobs, so some may need to take low-paid work.”
coherence and cohesion
Score: 7. Some long sentences have too many ideas. Split them into two shorter sentences, so the reader can follow your point more easily.
coherence and cohesion
Use words like “this” with a clear noun. For example, change “This also causes severe air pollution” to “This higher use of cars and energy can also cause severe air pollution.”
coherence and cohesion
Check small grammar points that can slow the reader. Write “the population would increase”, “a dense population produces”, and “people apply for the same jobs”.
task response
You answer both questions. You give clear reasons: jobs, study, and city life. You also explain bad sides, such as more waste, poor air, and more people looking for the same jobs.
task response
Your main view is clear: you think the good sides are greater than the bad sides. This view is in the first and last parts.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear order: opening, good sides, bad sides, and ending. Each body part has one main focus.
coherence and cohesion
You use linking words well, such as “On the one hand”, “In addition”, “Therefore”, “On the other hand”, “This is because”, and “In conclusion”.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Urbanization
  • Metropolitan
  • Career advancement
  • Higher education institutions
  • Cultural diversity
  • Infrastructure
  • Rural exodus
  • Standard of living
  • Networking
  • Overcrowding
  • Socio-economic factors
  • Quality of life
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